Monday, November 16, 2009

Texting 101

I pretended to be a high school teacher this morning...2 classes worth of pretending.

My friend teaches a floral design class and asked me to come in and talk about having a career in horticulture.

I wouldn't make a good real-life high school teacher because I would just laugh at the students...all day long.

We talked about trees and flowers and freezing temperatures...and stuff.

What we should have talked about is texting.

Apparently I don't get texting etiquette. (But really, if the word texting isn't even in Blogger's spell check dictionary, should I be held responsible for proper etiquette? I think not.)

Remember I had a lunch date with Michael on Saturday? After he gave me a bear hug upon the initial greeting, we sat down to a lunch of soup, salads, and chocolate covered strawberries. Michael told me stories of all of his failed attempts at on-line dating. He told me how many women had blocked him from seeing their profile (in theory you can't tell when someone has blocked you but Michael has been on-line for so long he says he knows the system). When I asked why they would block him he said, "I have an aggressive dating style." Duly noted.

He told me about the girl he flew to Texas to meet...a girl who didn't look anything like her picture...a girl who wore a wig the entire time he was there, trying to convince Michael she was a blond.

He told me about how he has no sense of smell...and so when there is a call for someone to fix the plumbing/sewer problems at some apartments he maintains, he takes the job.

He also wanted to know if I thought he smelled know, not being able to smell, he wanted to know if he had picked a good cologne.

He told me a lot of stuff and then all of a sudden said, "What time is it? I have to go." He walked me to my car and I thanked him for lunch. He said something else and then I thanked him again and said "It was nice getting to know you." He said, "So...have I done anything that would prevent me from getting a second date?" And I said, "You can call." (He can play the game. He had just finished telling me how frustrating it is not to get at least a second date with someone.)

He gave me another bear hug and I got in my car. 15 minutes later I got a text that said "Just wanted to say again that I had a good time. Have a good weekend."

I didn't respond to the text. And according to my cousin I broke ALL the rules. "You've assured that he won't call again by not responding to the text." Honestly, I don't care either way...if he calls, fine...if he doesn't, fine.

But seriously? I broke the rules? I had already thanked him twice...and now I needed to do it again, in a text, 15 minutes later?

It's like sending a thank you card for a thank you card...isn't it?

Is there a Texting 101 somewhere? ...clearly I need help.


Sandra said...

Hey, was it Suzanne's class? And if so, you should have come into the office and said hi.

And it would appear to me that talking about past dates/non-dates is kind of breaking a conversational rule. Just sayin'

Noelle said...


Sadly, I was out at Lone Peak...

And I'm just sayin' are there any normal ones left??

David G. Woolley said...

Dating Memo
TO: Mike
FROM: The Date Doctor

The bear hug thing. Don't let me ever catch you doing that on the first date. Or ever. If you're not dating a moose, leave the neandrathal hugs to undimesticateds.

Then there's those little subtle details. Don't tell your date you're a loser over soup and salad. For crying out loud Mike. Your stock went down about three thousand percent. The superficial sympathy thing doesn't work among grown ups. Show her something she can really cry about. Your prothesis. Your war wound. Your report card. A photo of you with a Mexican family and an impoverished goat. But don't tell her you can't get a second date.

Put yourself in her boots. She's been out with the fur trees in freezing temps all morning. She's got mud under her nails. She's got a plastic cut on her finger from the pony packs. She's had ten customers tell her the ground cover froze overnight and they want a refund. And what do you do? Bore her with a blonde wig joke. It was a joke, right? I told you never date a woman who wears a wig. Sheesh. How many times? Let her know you know how she feels. Let her see into your soul. Tell her that if she thinks pink poinsettas will sell better than red ones this year, that she should go ahead and plant the whole nursery in pink, to heck last year's sales data. She's the point woman at the nursery and if she wants pink, she can have pink. Take a deep breath. Look her in the eyes. Tell her you love pink and if that's been her dream since she was three years old, then she can have whatever she dreams and you're going to see that she gets it. Then walk out of that lunch with the soup bowl half full and the crumpets still teetering on the salad plate alone, no bear hug, and let her come after you. She will. Once she knows how much you love pink. And mexican goats.

n't ask for a second date. Don't ask if you can call again. Don't ask if she's going to block you. Don't text her. Be strong, Mike. She'll call. Or text. And when she does, you'll know that this online dating thing is for the birds!


The Date Doctor

PS: You can send the retainer fee to the usual address, but if I ever catch you bear hugging again, I quit. Is that clear? You're gonna break something one of these times, big guy. And you don't have near enough dating insurance.

Benjamin said...

This is the first Woolley post I actually agree with entirely. (other than the misspelled words). Would a normal, average, every-day guy please make an appearance in Noelle's world? We're tired of dorks.

Sandra said...

Crumpets? Are you sure?

David G. Woolley said...

Yeah, crumpets. Those little dried bread things, but from England.

Who is Ben?

Sandra said...

How about croutons? You put jam on crumpets.

David G. Woolley said...

Maybe you put jam on them. I put them in salads. Or maybe they are crutons. Who knew?

David G. Woolley said...


You know what they say about birds, feathers, and flocking don't you?

David G. Woolley said...

Croutons. Sorry. Ben got me all nervous about spelling.

Sandra said...

Its ok, David. It was just that whole cooking center in my brain kicking in there.

Megan said...

If's he's interested he'll call... texting back is optional. you would be a WONDERFUL high school teacher. You're a natural and laughing at/ with them is part of the job. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE you for doing it!!

David G. Woolley said...


I think you owe us some details on all the Dorks in Noelle's life. I'm off limits or I burn the nursery to the ground.

adrienzgirl said...

I don't have proper texting etiquette either. I mean really. How many times can one say Thank You?!?

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

well....technically thank you ediquette states, "Gratitude should be expressed in writing. Write your letter of thanks as soon as possible after the gift has been received or the favor has been done. Write with the warmth and kindness you honestly feel and make your letter as cordial as you know how.". The New Ediquette Book, published 1936.

I dug that out for you and I guess that means you should have sent a text. Then again...if you want to get technical... Mike broke all the rules in the Courtship and Betrothal section.

No 2nd date.

Tiffany said...

Oh Noelle... funny post. Hilarious comments.
Hang in there. I can't believe all the wonderfully normal men are gone.
I'm looking for a can of Dork-Be-Gone for you.

David G. Woolley said...


Noelle gave me a whole case of the stuff. It doesn't work. I'm still here. Maybe the concentrate or the powder will do the job. Ask Ben. He's the expert on Dorks.

Tiff said...

Well, I just have to say that I sill love reading Mr. Woolley's comments. And Ben's are an added perk. Keep commenting brother, you're great at advice!

Keith and Jamie said...

OMG...this was comment central! It sounds like you have great friends; they are really concerned with you dating strange people. I am not sure if normal is even a word in the English language, this day in time. Normal is so never know what is going to show up for a date: normal looking-strange acting or strange looking-semi normal acting. I wish you the is never easy.

RayRay said...

this is so great in so many ways...

But what I'm really curious to know is what you do for work?! horticulture stuff? Floral design? I've been working at a flower shop for a few months and beginning to wonder if i'll ever break the poverty line... haha. Anyway, so glad to meet you. I've been taking a break from blogging for a little while, but i'm coming back soon. :)

Anonymous said...

I don't like the sound of Michael.

Mike needs to know about Girl thoughts 101.

Don't complain. Especially about other girls or exes. She might just like you. Try not to blow it.

No bear hug required at first sight.

"How do I smell?" sweetie, you just broke all the rules!