Friday, May 14, 2010

Something That's Been On My Mind

This post is dedicated...with some pretty amazing friends...

We tend to associate with those we have a common bond with...with those who are in the same stage of life as we are...and as a result I know a lot of amazing single women...women I love and admire and strive to be like.

When I knew that Jason was the real deal...when I realized that I wouldn't be single very much longer my first emotion was guilt...guilt because I knew at least 20 amazing women who were more deserving than I, women who were yearning to be a wife, women who wanted nothing more than to be a mother...and yet for some reason I was the one getting married. The guilt didn't last long, because if nothing else, I believe completely in a God who has a plan for my life...and a plan for each and every one of my friends.

We, my friends and I, had similar upbringings for the most part. We grew up going to church, praying, trying to keep God's commandments, being taught right and wrong, and being taught that the greatest roles we could have in life were those of being a wife and a mother. And while those roles were not something I always wanted to play in my own life, I believed that being a wife, and especially being a mother were some of the greatest things we could do. We are creating a life...with God...and I can't think of anything more amazing and sacred than that.

I don't remember my leaders in church ever telling us that we might not get married, or that we might get married and then divorced, or that we might not be able to have children, or that really horrible things could happen to us...of course they wouldn't say those things because doesn't everyone who loves us only want what's best for us? And doesn't everyone who loves us want us to believe only in the best possible outcome?

As I got older being single became more of a struggle...not because I was miserable...but because everyone around me thought that I must not have been happy...not truly...because I wasn't a mother. I remember my grandma said to me once, "If you had only gotten married at 18 you wouldn't be having these trials in your life." She loves me, and she means well, but I have never wanted to tell her off more than I did at that moment.

Well-meaning friends and neighbors would ask about my life. Cousins I hadn't seen in ages would start every conversation the same way, "Are you dating anyone?" Everyone offered suggestions...everyone gave advice on things I should do differently...on ways that I should act differently. The same grandma, who I love...really...once told me, "Noelle, you need to be more righteously seductive." My brother still teases me about that.

"Are you going to dances?"
"Are you dating?"
"Are you putting yourself in situations where you can meet people?"
"Are you flirting?"
"Are you praying hard enough?"

These and many others were questions I heard frequently.

And I knew that if I wasn't careful, I was going to eventually let these well-meaning people define my life...and to be honest, it would have been an unhappy life.

We are NOT who we are based on our marital status or based on the number of children we have. We are NOT any more or any less in the eyes of God because we're married or single or because we have 10 children or none. We simply ARE...and that is enough.

In the months since I've been married I've heard from several friends who are struggling with their lives...who are wanting something they don't have, and who want peace to deal with situations that are completely out of their control. And in each situation I wish more than anything that I had the answers. I wish that I could say to some of my friends, "If you do this you will have a baby." I wish that I could say to others "If you do this you will meet the man of your dreams." And to some I'm closest to I wish I could say, "If you do this, you will have your financial burdens lifted."

All I can say...over and over that God has a plan...a real and definite plan...and trusting and believing in His timing will bring us the most happiness in the end.

In the mean time...just live. Embrace life and make the most of every single opportunity. Just be...just be the best person you can be and do the most with what you're given at the moment. If what you're given at the moment is an empty field, plant wildflowers. If what you're given at the moment is a mountain, just climb it and enjoy the view at the top. And if what you're given at the moment is harder than what you can bear, just dig your heels in a little deeper and trust that God is there.

I have two greeting cards that I've framed and put in my office. The first says this:

"There are many people who go their whole lives without living one day. She did not intend to be one of those people."

The second says this:

"Any given moment can change your life. You just have to be there."

If I've learned anything in life, it's that even in the midst of disappointment, I can find a silver lining if I'm looking for it. Some of the biggest disappointments I've faced and some of the greatest heartaches I've felt have brought about some of the biggest blessings of my life, and looking back, I wouldn't change a thing...


Joann Mannix said...

Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

I have spent the best part of my life trying to abide by God's plan and have faith in what he has in store for me. Sometimes, it's been the hardest struggle. But, I've always tried to live by that guideline.

I struggled for several years to have a baby and the comments, oh, the well meaning, but awful comments. I told everyone when God was ready, there I'd be.

I love that card. I'm going to place that one in my inspirational quote folder.

Thanks for this post, Noelle. It was lovely.

Carrie said...

Your amazing....Thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

I love this post. I am certain i am going to make my mother read this when she wakes up, first thing in the morning.

Reason- My elder sister will turn 30 on 26th September this year. My mum and dad and everyone else in sight have nothing else to ask her, most times, except about "when" she'll find the right guy or agree to look at the ones they find for her. I've told you she is a cardiologist in Australia, haven't i? I know she wants to be married someday. She says, it gets increasingly difficult to have dinner alone each day and it breaks my heart because i don't think i can love anyone more. She isn't going out with someone, if you're asking. I really hope her perfect guy bumps into her soon. (God, you're listening i know.)

Three people who called to wish me for my birthday yesterday wanted to know when i'd get married. Have i told you i don't want to. I don't want to. What is it with people?

I love when you say- "If what you're given at the moment is a mountain, just climb it and enjoy the view at the top."

Your post has made me feel so so good for just being me today. Thank You! Hugs!

Tiffany said...


Thanks for a great reminder.

You're a wise woman.

Cheeseboy said...

Great stuff.

I never could figure out what "praying hard enough" meant. Is it like holding your hands tighter together. Or kneeling longer. Or focusing. Does God really care about that? Isn't a prayer a prayer? Isn't it being a humble prayer what matters.

Karen said...

Stopping by from Follow Me Friday to say Hi. You have quite a beautiful blog and I look forward on reading more. I am now a follower too.


Velvet Over Steel said...

Beautifully written and Amazingly accurate!! I can so relate about people assuming what we need and why we don't have it. My parents thought I needed to get married, althought I didn't know that until my wedding and they told my then husband how relieved they were that I was 'taken care of now'. I was 20 years old and althought he was my high school sweetheart of 3 years; it was a horribly abusive 7 year marriage. When I told my parents I was getting a divorce and Why; the were upset... with ME. Called me back later and said they had talked about it and decided that there was 'worst' out there and that I should stay married. Ummm,,, I did not. Then I heard the same comments that you did, from everyone, but the elders at church were the worst. God made men and woman to need each other. Are you seeing anyone? Why didn't he work out? What's wrong, do you have 'issues'? Oh my goosh, and these poeple wonder why I don't 'scocialize with them anymore and why I prefer not to tell them if I'm dating or who. :-)
Anyway, GREAT post & so glad I found your amazing blog to follow!!!
HUGS my new friend! :-)

Lalis said...

Wow. I needed to 'hear' this. I'm a 25 year-old, single LDS, grad student... with a stake president that does nothing more than to talk to us about marriage... out of love and concern, of course. I am in the minority as far as my friends go, with some of them getting ready to welcome their second or third child. My best friend is getting married this summer! Sometimes I watch their lives and envy them (in a good way). I really want what they have. However, A LONG time ago (isn't that sad, considering I'm not even old!) I decided I wasn't going let the fact that I was the exception to the rule define my life. "If it happens, then great! If it doesn't, then it is still great!" I love my life, I truly do. Sometimes it just gets a little harder than others and reading this post just gave me the lil' extra boost I needed. Thank you!

jayayceeblog said...

Oh, those well-meaning relatives, God bless their tactless hearts. In our mid-West family, it seems the girls get married young. We had some relatives come for a visit once and treated my youngest daughter (who I believe was 25 at the time) like an old maid. I had to keep her away from the knife drawer the whole time they were here!!!

jayayceeblog said...

Oh, those well-meaning relatives, God bless their tactless hearts. In our mid-West family, it seems the girls get married young. We had some relatives come for a visit once and treated my youngest daughter (who I believe was 25 at the time) like an old maid. I had to keep her away from the knife drawer the whole time they were here!!!

jayayceeblog said...

I got so caught up in your post, I forgot to tell you to come visit my blog today to receive your Super Comments award ...

Anonymous said...

I love this post thanks for the constant uplifting inspiration-Love ya!!! Cassie

Marci said...

well put girl.
well put.
and so, so true. we never know what's in store and sometimes it's wonderful (my girls) and sometimes not so much but we always learn from it. always.

Leslie said...

great post and thanks for sharing. Although I haven't gone through those same things you have in life, I have quite a few friends that have and still are and this helps me understand how I can support and love them better.

trublubyu said...


MageeMommy said...

Love this post!