I've been thinking.
About a lot of things.
I essentially stopped writing in a journal the day I started my blog. And for the most part that's okay. I've been more creative with my blog than I ever was with my journal, and I've gained a lot of friends...friends that I never would have known had I continued with a journal.
However, there are occasions where I miss my journal. I miss the freedom of writing whatever I feel, no matter what it is. I miss pouring my heart out on paper, feeling completely safe to do so. Don't we all censor our blogs a little bit?
And that brings me back to this: I've been thinking. About a lot of things. And rather than write it out in journal form, I'm going to open up a little bit to you. Brave of me isn't it?
My sister called last night and asked if she could have some powdered sugar. Considering that I've got enough powdered sugar to last 7 years I said she could. She came over, bringing two of our nieces with her. I said to Becca, "Do you want me to watch them now, so that you can finish the cake you're making?" She said yes.
Erika and Gabi were thrilled to hang out at our house for a little while. They have crushes on Jason and love to spend time with him. (I guess they're like me in that regard.) They played the piano for a little while, and then asked Jason to play the guitar for them. We eventually walked to the park - with Erika and Gabi each wearing a pair of my flip flops - they showed up at my house each wearing a pair of Becca's high heels - we figured flip flops were the better option.
We slid down the slides, and played on the monkey bars, and lasted as long as we could until we cried 'uncle' to the mosquitoes who were eating us alive. On the walk home Jason stopped to pet a cat that was also out for an evening stroll. When he was finished I told him that he couldn't hold my hand again until he had washed his hands. I'm not an animal person. And I'm especially not a cat person.
Instead of holding my hand, he held Gabi's hand. And she scowled and then said, "Now I'm mad." When Jason asked her why she said, "Because you're hand is all germy and now I have to wash my hands too." Ahh...I love that 5 year old little girl.
After the girls' daddy came to pick them up Jason wrestled me until I cried 'uncle' for the second time that night. We called it a night and got ready for bed.
After I crawled in bed I looked at Jason and asked, "Do you really want kids?"
He was quite for a minute and then said, "I don't know."
He asked me the same question. And after a small pause, I slowly shook my head no.
He looked surprised and said, "You don't?"
Before we got married Jason's dad cautioned us on the reality that we would be giving up our independence once we said 'I do.' I haven't felt like I've given my independence up. I actually like having someone waiting for me at home, and having someone who cares to know where I am and what I'm doing. And I love having someone to do things with.
What I've realized though, and what I tried to explain to Jason last night is this: when it comes right down to it, I'm selfish. I am selfish with my time. I've given up a lot of 'me time' and what little I have I'm protective of. I used to read a lot. Now I can count on one hand the number of books I've read in the last four months. I used to spend two or three nights a week with friends, and now I have to search for the time to even get one night away with a friend. I used to exercise every day and now I barely have time to keep the laundry done.
Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change my life for anything. I'm happier than I've ever been. I love my husband, and all the responsibilities that come with being a wife. And it makes me feel so much more normal to know that Jason is struggling with the same things. That's why I love him.
But ummm...with all of the little girl feelings I have inside...kids?
I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm really really scared.
People tell me all the time, "You'll be such a great mom." And you know what, (it may be the only time I'll be this bold) they're right. I think I will be a great mom.. I love kids...they love me...loving kids and taking care of them has never been my problem. It's just that I know exactly what it takes to have a child and take care of it forever (because who are we kidding - my parents are still taking care of me and I'm nearly 35)...and forever is a long time.
I'll have kids. Because even though I told Jason I didn't want them, deep down in the bottom corner of my heart I really do. And deep down in the bottom corner of his heart, Jason wants them to.
And until it happens I'll just pray that God will make me equal to the task.
Thanks for listening...or reading rather.