Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Look Inside My Heart

I've been thinking.

About a lot of things.

I essentially stopped writing in a journal the day I started my blog. And for the most part that's okay. I've been more creative with my blog than I ever was with my journal, and I've gained a lot of friends...friends that I never would have known had I continued with a journal.

However, there are occasions where I miss my journal. I miss the freedom of writing whatever I feel, no matter what it is. I miss pouring my heart out on paper, feeling completely safe to do so. Don't we all censor our blogs a little bit?

And that brings me back to this: I've been thinking. About a lot of things. And rather than write it out in journal form, I'm going to open up a little bit to you. Brave of me isn't it?

My sister called last night and asked if she could have some powdered sugar. Considering that I've got enough powdered sugar to last 7 years I said she could. She came over, bringing two of our nieces with her. I said to Becca, "Do you want me to watch them now, so that you can finish the cake you're making?" She said yes.

Erika and Gabi were thrilled to hang out at our house for a little while. They have crushes on Jason and love to spend time with him. (I guess they're like me in that regard.) They played the piano for a little while, and then asked Jason to play the guitar for them. We eventually walked to the park - with Erika and Gabi each wearing a pair of my flip flops - they showed up at my house each wearing a pair of Becca's high heels - we figured flip flops were the better option.

We slid down the slides, and played on the monkey bars, and lasted as long as we could until we cried 'uncle' to the mosquitoes who were eating us alive. On the walk home Jason stopped to pet a cat that was also out for an evening stroll. When he was finished I told him that he couldn't hold my hand again until he had washed his hands. I'm not an animal person. And I'm especially not a cat person.

Instead of holding my hand, he held Gabi's hand. And she scowled and then said, "Now I'm mad." When Jason asked her why she said, "Because you're hand is all germy and now I have to wash my hands too." Ahh...I love that 5 year old little girl.

After the girls' daddy came to pick them up Jason wrestled me until I cried 'uncle' for the second time that night. We called it a night and got ready for bed.

After I crawled in bed I looked at Jason and asked, "Do you really want kids?"

He was quite for a minute and then said, "I don't know."

He asked me the same question. And after a small pause, I slowly shook my head no.

He looked surprised and said, "You don't?"

Before we got married Jason's dad cautioned us on the reality that we would be giving up our independence once we said 'I do.' I haven't felt like I've given my independence up. I actually like having someone waiting for me at home, and having someone who cares to know where I am and what I'm doing. And I love having someone to do things with.

What I've realized though, and what I tried to explain to Jason last night is this: when it comes right down to it, I'm selfish. I am selfish with my time. I've given up a lot of 'me time' and what little I have I'm protective of. I used to read a lot. Now I can count on one hand the number of books I've read in the last four months. I used to spend two or three nights a week with friends, and now I have to search for the time to even get one night away with a friend. I used to exercise every day and now I barely have time to keep the laundry done.

Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't change my life for anything. I'm happier than I've ever been. I love my husband, and all the responsibilities that come with being a wife. And it makes me feel so much more normal to know that Jason is struggling with the same things. That's why I love him.

But ummm...with all of the little girl feelings I have

I'm scared. Plain and simple. I'm really really scared.

People tell me all the time, "You'll be such a great mom." And you know what, (it may be the only time I'll be this bold) they're right. I think I will be a great mom.. I love kids...they love me...loving kids and taking care of them has never been my problem. It's just that I know exactly what it takes to have a child and take care of it forever (because who are we kidding - my parents are still taking care of me and I'm nearly 35)...and forever is a long time.

I'll have kids. Because even though I told Jason I didn't want them, deep down in the bottom corner of my heart I really do. And deep down in the bottom corner of his heart, Jason wants them to.

And until it happens I'll just pray that God will make me equal to the task.

Thanks for listening...or reading rather.


-stephanie- said...

What a wonderful, honest post.
As long as I can remember I never wanted children. I loved my comfortable, selfish life. As I grew in the Lord, He began to change my heart. Suddenly the thought of having children didn't look so bad. And I wasn't even married! A short time later, my future husband showed up in my life. He wanted children, and since my heart was now changed because of the Lord, I wanted to give him children. We have 2 with us and 3 more in heaven. All this happened in my late 30's and I had my kids in my 40's.
All in God's time. All in God's hands.

Brynn said...

I won't lie. Having kids takes ALOT of time and it's hard, but so rewarding. You can't understand until you do it, but you would never go back after you have one. Being a mom is the most amazing thing.

Jessica said...

I think that's pretty normal. I always knew I'd have kids, but never really wanted them. It took a few years of marriage and lots of heart-softening before I was ready. It's intimidating, and I really think you're completely normal for feeling that way.

Sandra said...

I am so glad you had the courage to say this, Noelle. I wish more people would admit to their real feelings.

I love being a mom, but honestly? There are times that I wish there weren't so many kids running around here, so many places to make the money stretch, so much time that is no longer mine, never any quiet time (like now when there are so many instruments being practiced!), so many shows I don't want to watch but the ones I do want to watch are not something for kids...

But then I also agree with Brynn, I wouldn't change it for anything.

You and Jason will do what is right for you and it will be ok.

Christina said...

That was a great, honest post. Kids are a live changing experience, and make sure in your heart, in the deepest part of your heart, that you're ready...and when you are, you will be an amazing Mom.

Anonymous said...

We love you for your honesty. You're right you'll be a great mom. But only when it's time. Amen to Stephanie. "All it God's time. All in God's hands." (Even when you think you're in charge...)

wjmom said...

All the mommies (including me) are going to tell you that motherhood is the most wonderful thing ever.

But you are right, and you are wise. Motherhood is the HARDEST thing ever. And if you are not ready--individually or as a couple--then please, please don't.

Or have a baby and give him/her to me! :)

I admire your honesty. And I trust you to do the right thing. Because you clearly know how to do that.

L.C. said...

I swear you are living my life! I feel the EXACT same way right now, but I'm 22 and just been married a year....but a part of me doesn't want kids, but I LOVE them and I know I would make a good parent, but right now I just want to be selfish

Bossy Betty said...

Oh baby! If you weren't scared and a little freaked out THEN I would be worried about you! That fact that you realize all that is ahead tells me that you would be a great parent. You'll know when you are ready--which is never, really, but life may have other plans....

sarah said...

girl, let me tell you - you can't take them back... walmart, costco, macy's, target, no one takes kids back. Once you have them you are just make sure you are both really ready before you have a baby. Love mine but I wasn't ready - that's the best advice I can give.

You will be a better parent if you are honest with yourself.

Lula Lola said...

I never had "baby fever," but once it struck, I wanted one, bad.
My best friend never wanted kids and her husband didn't either.
We are both married and really happy with our choices. It's all about doing the right thing for your life. Cause your life is specific to you!

Monica said...

wow, what a great post. You sound just like me... when I was younger, I always said I would have kids. Now that I am "older" the thought makes me sick to my stomach! Not because I don't like kids, but I just feel like I am not ready at all to take on the resonsibility and give away "me time". Your post is so honest.... thank you!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I can almost cry at the honesty in this post.Reading this has taken me into "silent zone" for a while and that ain't no easy task.

I won't say, "Aww, it is going to be okay." I just want you to know that somewhere a little part of this was me. Take a deep breath in and EAT.

Jason- keep taking deep breaths. :) I am really glad this girl has you.

Krissy said...

Great post!! Having children is A LOT of work and it takes someone who is patient and good with kids to make a great mom. :) I'm sure you will make a good mom from what I read in that post!

I know I'm late, but I'm following from Tuesday Tag Along! :) I hope you can visit us back and follow as well!!

Velvet Over Steel said...

Such honesty! I was scared too & wanted to wait longer than God's plan was. However, I loved being a mom and so thankful for all 3 of my boys. The 3rd being a total surprise! I was stronger and better at being a mom than I would have ever imagined. Not perfect by any means, but I feel that my sons learned from my mistakes and misfortunes as much as they did from the planned nearly perfect times. :-) Don't worry, you are just being human! You both will do Great when the time comes!

Gene and Sheri Family said...

your HONESTY is BREATH-TAKING! thank you for being so willing to share thoughts that SO MANY of us have felt, but didn't dare speak...

Beth Zimmerman said...

Aw Noelle,
That was beautiful and honest and heartbreaking. You cannot possibly know how much you will love being parents until the day you discover that your little one is on the way. And then the day you hold your first child. And then you will wonder what took you so long!
Don't wait too long, sweet girl! Giving up a little of your self is a small price to pay for the amazing gifts that you get in return!

Beth Zimmerman said...

By the way ... I LOVED your interview with Jason!

Cheeseboy said...

This is powerful stuff. Thanks for opening up.

It took my wife and I seven years to decide to have kids because we were also selfish of our time. We have two and we are absolutely content with that. No more. However, in our culture not even two seems to be enough in the eyes of others. Well, the pressure is mounting but they can eat it because two is all we are having.

What was I talking about? Oh yes, well I think that if you chose to have zero, two or ten, I would be supportive of any choice you made. (I mean if I knew you in real life, but I will be supportive in blogger life too)

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel :> The only answer that is right is the one that brings you and Jason the most peace. Sometimes being a mother means being one to someone elses kids, which you do in so many ways with your nieces and nephews. Good luck, I'm in the same boat...Thanks for the honesty :> Cassie

jayayceeblog said...

Realizing that you have needs (call 'em selfish if you will) is the first step toward becoming a good parent. You have to nurture yourself so you can nurture others. You must be happy with yourself so you can love others. There were times when my kids were little that I would lock myself in the bathroom and eat a candy bar. They'd be standing outside the door listening to the wrapper crinkle and asking what I'm doing. I was checking out for a minute to take care of my own needs. Then I could open the door, smile and go back to being a caring mom. No guilty feelings here. =)

Venassa said...

I know I want kids, but I also know I dont want to give up my time because let's face it.. a child will take up more time than work or any person in my life ever will.
But I love this post, it's so honest. I also agree that you will be a great Mom.

Anonymous said...

Hi Noelle-I agree with Betty. Better you be cautious now. I agree with you-I think you will be a great mom if and when it happens, and if it doesn't happen, I still think you are one of the most delightful people I've ever met (electronically).

Joann Mannix said...

Your honesty is commendable and your honesty was exactly the way I felt for a very long time. I did not want kids. I didn't think I had it in me to be the selfless kind of person you need to be in order to be a proper mom. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have several friends who have opted to remain childless and they have never once regretted their decision.

Make the decision for the three of you: you, Jason and God. Not for anyone else.

And if you decide that you do want children, know that it is the most wondrous thing in the world. I couldn't believe the instinctual, fierceness of that love that washed over me the minute that first squalling baby was put in my arms. And that is how you get through all the selfless times, that abundant love. There are days, I long for peace and the ability to have more time for myself, but these days of children and all the love and joy and craziness that comes with them have flown by me, so fast and furious, I can barely catch my breath. And as I sit here, writing this, I am beginning to cry, no sob actually, knowing that in too few days, my girl, the one who was just placed in my arms yesterday, is leaving us to go back to her other home, to her college for another year away from us.

And I tell you this as someone who never wanted kids, ever. Whatever you decide, it is your heart and mind and you have to honor that above all other external factors. Good luck. I will be praying for you.