Saturday, December 4, 2010

In Memory

My grandma is dying.
Jason and I spent a few hours last night sitting with her in the hospital.
She never knew we were there.
I'll go back in the morning, unless I get a phone call tonight telling me that she is gone
It's not a tragic death.
Grandma is a few days short of her 95th birthday.
She's lived a good life.

I love my grandma unconditionally, and I know that she loves me.
But we've had our moments.
Moments where I've told her that if she couldn't speak kindly to me I would hang up the phone.
Moments where I've told her that she needs to be nice to people.
Moments where I've come away from her house ready to divorce her.
I think that's just part of being a family.
In spite of all of our moments, I have always known that my grandma was there for me if I needed her.

On more than one occasion, when my life was too heavy, I would run away to Grandma's house.
She would put a frozen pizza in the microwave, sit at the kitchen table, and say 'tell me about it.'
One time not too long ago I didn't even make it to the kitchen.  I walked into her house, sat in her rocking chair, and burst into tears.
My grandma sat there for 20 minutes, crying with me, and she didn't even know why.

The last time I talked to my grandma was a few weeks ago.
She was calling to tell me that I had two months worth of bank statements to look through, and that I needed to come down and balance her checkbook.
That has been my job since Grandpa passed away 5 years ago.
She wanted me to bring Jason with me.
She loved Jason.
I told her that we would be down soon.
We talked for a while and at the end of our conversation I told her I loved her.
I should have gone down.
I should have done more for her than I did.
I hope that she knows that I love her, in spite of the fact that I told someone last night that she was a pain in the neck.

I'm glad to know that this life is not the end.
I'm glad to know that she will soon be with Grandpa.
And I'm glad to know that I will see her again someday.
I love you Grandma.


Natasha said...

This made me cry. The gospel is so wonderful. My prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Noelle, I'm sorry. She's lovely and sure does not look anywhere near 95! Thinking of you and your family.

Kristin said...

Oh Noelle, I'm so sad for you and what you're dealing with right now. I lost my grandma nearly 3 years ago, and have thought many of the things you said in your post. Thinking of you and your family.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

So sorry about your grandma.

Dazee Dreamer said...

Thank you for that post. Big cyber hug

Taylor said...

I'm sorry you are losing your grandma.

Tiffany said...

Reading this made me think of my grandmothers. Thanks Noelle. Very tender.

LL Cool Joe said...

I just popped over from Dazee's blog because I liked the title of yours!

This is a beautiful post, and I'm sure your Grandma knows you love her. :) And the beauty of having faith in God is that we know that death is not the end, and that we'll see our loved ones again.

Heather said...

I am glad you got to enjoy your grandma as long as you did. I am sorry you are going through this now.
I am also glad she will be somewhere with people she loves.

Anonymous said...

Every time I see this photo, I wonder about the time she said she wouldn't come to your wedding because Jason's Grandma is going to look prettier. Girls can be so mad! :)

Grandma loves you, Noelle. I'm sure she wants to tell you, "What do you think? I'm 95 and can't understand something THAT simple?" Well, sure she does.

I think you should know that if you ever want to cry, she'd like you to still use her house and yes, from now on, she'd like YOU to go take your butt to the kitchen, heat up two frozen pizzas- the 2nd one isn't going to be for you. (Don't you light up like that.) That's going to be her share. Don't you lay a finger on it. She'll be watching. said...

You've been a blessing to each other. This is beautiful.

Sandra said...

I think you did plenty, and the last thing in the world you should be saying or thinking is that you didn't do enough. Stop that.

Venassa said...

Aww I'm sorry you're going through this. At least you have come to terms with it. She sounds like she was a wonderful grandmother (most of the time). And she doesn't look any older than 70s to me.

-stephanie- said...

Even though 95 is a pretty darn good life to live, it's still sad to see her go. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sandra said...

I'm sorry. I remember meeting your Grandma at your wedding. She was beautiful and I know she loves you. Know that we are thinking of you (and love you too).

Shan said...

Trying to get out from a massive pile of blog posts, but when I saw this I knew I had to start here first.

You and your grandma look related, that's for sure.

Okay, so I don't know her. Heck, I don't really know you, but I'm just gonna lay this out there. Your grandma knows. She knows you are there. She knows you love her. She knows that you never divorced her. You are a wonderful granddaughter and she'd never trade you for the world. Who would have been kind enough to balance her checkbook?


Shan :+)

trublubyu said...

I'm sorry to hear this. I have been pretty blog-absent for a while and it looks like you have a lot of hard things going on right now.

I hope you are handling it all well and that you have great support.

hugs from arizona!!

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful tribute.

Wish I'da thought of it since I feel the exact same way about my grammie :o)

Judie said...

Noelle, having just gone through this in August with Rod's mum, I know how you feel!!

jayayceeblog said...

This is a sad thing to go through any time of the year, but especially during the holidays! Your story really makes me miss my Grandma!!!

Elizabeth said...

My grandma died 7 years ago (almost to the day). It was unexpected and she was only 76. I used to run away to my grandma's house a lot too. Grandma's are wonderful. Thanks for sharing your memories of yours. I love the photo of you two together.

xo -El