I've noticed that I've become paranoid.
And I wish that people would stop saying things that make me freak out.
Let me give you some examples.
My friend texted me yesterday to see how I was feeling, and to find out when my doctor's appointment is.
I told her that for the most part I was just hungry and nauseated at the same time.
And I told her that I go in on the 18th for a sonogram and again on the 31st to meet with the doctor.
I'm going in for the sonogram for my own peace of mind.
I've been spotting off and on throughout my pregnancy and although it's probably perfectly normal, I'd like a professional to tell me that it's perfectly normal.
My friend texted me back and said, 'I spotted during both of my pregnancies. I'm sure it's fine.'
An innocent conversation no?
Because as soon as I hung up I had these thoughts going through my mind:
'Kim spotted during both of her pregnancies. Both of her little boys are autistic. Does spotting indicate a higher risk for autism? Is my baby going to be autistic? Can I take care of an autistic child? I'm not sure that I could be as good a mom as Kim is.'
And so it went for many many many minutes...until I told my brain to stop. And then I had to force it to think about other things. And sing lots of songs.
Here's another example:
A few weeks ago I got an email from a girl I know. It was an email written out of love and concern. She felt like she should tell me that all of the symptoms I've been dealing with for the last year (vertigo, etc.) are also symptoms of multiple sclerosis and that I should probably get tested, either with an MRI or a spinal tap.
Her mom told my mom the same thing several months ago: 'Noelle's symptoms sound exactly like MS.'
(Minus any muscle weakness, which according to Google, is also a very prevalent symptom.)
Here's the thing: I've had an MRI. It came back clean. Perfectly clean.
And doctors have reassured me on more than one occasion that my vertigo is the result of a problem with my inner ear.
I lay in bed at night and feel a muscle twitch and think, 'It's MS.'
My back hurts during the day and I think 'I guess we should look into buying a wheelchair.'
I start coughing and I think 'it's probably progressing really fast...I'll call and schedule a spinal tap this week.'
I wasn't like this before I got pregnant.
The other day I was reading the Pregnancy Bible...otherwise known as 'What To Expect When You're Expecting'.
I read something that went like this: 'If your husband is turned off by your growing belly, here are some ways you can cope with feelings of rejection...'
Just try to imagine what my mind did then...
'Jason thinks I'm fat.'
'Jason is going to stop loving me.'
'Jason isn't even going to want to sleep in the same bed with me.'
'Jason isn't attracted to me any more.'
Last night my sister and I walked around the track at our local rec center while Jason played basketball below.
Becca looked at me and said, "You're really showing."
And as she said that, Jason looked up and waved.
After we got home last night Jason said, "I looked up at you as you were walking around the track and well, you're definitely pregnant.'
And then he told me that while he normally isn't attracted to pregnant women, he is still attracted to me.
He had to spend the next seven hours trying to convince me that he would still love me in 6 months from now.
It's only going to get worse isn't it?
What should I do?