Monday, February 21, 2011

We Have A Guest!

Once...and I don't remember when or how...I found a blog called The Lumberjacks Wife. Taylor, the author, is not really a lumberjacks wife. In fact she is an electricians wife, but her husband is probably a wanna be lumberjack. Taylor makes me laugh every time I read her blog, and I wanted to share that laughter with you.

The year was 2002.

The time was 7am.

I was about 7 weeks pregnant with my first child. I woke up sick, as usual.

I was young. I was new to this whole “pregnancy” thing. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I was already going against the advice I had gotten from others:

1) Don’t drink caffeine. (I had about a cup of coffee a day)

2) Don’t gain more than 3-5 pounds in the first trimester. (I had already gained 10 pounds. It was sad, really.)

3) Don’t stand by microwaves. (Seriously. Is that one for real?)

4) Don’t tell anyone you are pregnant until you are at least 12 weeks along. (I told everyone and their mothers within 15 seconds of taking the pregnancy test.)

The Lumberjack had already woken up and left for work.

I was all alone.

I went to the bathroom.

As I turned to flush, I noticed something foreign floating in the water.

As I stared at it, tears filled my eyes, and I knew instantly what it was: my baby.

I was devastated.

And mad.

Mad at myself for drinking caffeine. Mad at myself for eating too much. Mad at myself for microwaving popcorn. And mad at myself for telling people.

But mostly, I was truly devastated.

I stared and stared at it, horrified at how easy it was to just lose a baby.

I knew a girl who had a miscarriage a few months before that. The doctor had told her to bring the baby in so they could look at it. So, I figured my doctor would want to look at mine. I took a clear, plastic cup and fished it out of the toilet.

Then, I sat it on the counter.

And I stared at it.

I called my mom.

Mom: Hi!

Me: I lost the baby.

Mom: What? How?

Me: (crying) I don’t know. It just came out. In the toilet.

Mom: Are you sure it was the baby?

Me: Well, what else could come out of me? Something came out of me. Something was in the toilet.

Mom: Call the doctor.

Me: I did, but they aren’t open yet. I have to wait until 9am.

Mom: Ok. Call the doctor at 9am and then call me.

The time dragged on. I stared at the little object, trying to make out what I was seeing. At one angle, I was sure I saw a spinal cord.

Finally, the time came to call the doctor’s office.

The receptionist put me through to a nurse right away.

Me: I think I had a miscarriage.

Nurse: I’m sorry, hon. Tell me what happened.

Me: Well, I woke up this morning and I went to the bathroom. And after I went, I saw it floating in the toilet.

Nurse: Hmmm . . . ok. Is this your first pregnancy?

Me: Yes.

Nurse: Ok. Can you describe “it” to me?

Me: Sure. It is bluish-gray. And it is kind of fuzzy, almost like lint or something.

Nurse: Interesting. Sweetie, do you think what you saw in the toilet could actually be lint?

Me: Well, I don’t think so. Do people normally pee out lint?

Seriously. This nurse is insane.

Nurse: *sigh* No, hon. Sweetie, are you in any kind of pain?

Me: Nope. I just feel nauseous.

Nurse: Bleeding or cramping?

Me: No.

Nurse: Ok, hon. Why don’t you just call us back if any more comes out of you?

Ok, I am certain I hear a chuckle in her voice. She is making me very angry.

Me: You don’t need to check me out or anything?

Nurse: No, hon. I think you are fine. Just call us in a bit.

I stare at the object and cry and sob.

I am mad at that nurse for not believing me.

I am mad that she was laughing at me.

And now, I am quite perplexed because the object has slightly disintegrated in the yellowish water and become two objects.

I guess it does kind of look like lint.

But how could that be?

And then . . . it hit me.

The Lumberjack.

Everyday, when he wakes up, he has a huge wad of belly button lint.

Everyday.

Without fail.

Gross.

100 (meaningless) points to anyone who can tell me why.

I have never in my life had any bit of belly button lint.

I decide it is time to give my husband a call.

You might be wondering why I haven’t called him yet, seeing as how I fear I have just lost my baby.

My husband does NOT like phone calls and he does NOT like getting phone calls while he is crawling through tiny crawl spaces, hanging from ladders, and getting electrocuted.

Yes.

My husband gets electrocuted regularly.

I wonder if he is any good at this electrical business?

The Lumberjack: What’s up?

I can barely hear him over the hammers, drills, and blaring music.

Me: I have a very important question for you.

The Lumberjack: What?

Great. He is already annoyed.

Me: When you woke up this morning, what did you do with your belly button lint?

The Lumberjack: What?!

Me: Your belly button lint! What did you do with it?

The Lumberjack: I don’t know! I think I threw it in the toilet.

Oh, my.

Me: Can you please do me a favor and flush next time?

The Lumberjack: Sure. I really gotta go, Taylor.

*****

I am happy to report that

A) I did not have a miscarriage

B) I do not pee out lint

C) The Lumberjack still remained married to me after that ridiculous phone call

D) The Lumberjack still, to this day, has belly button lint.

E) I still don’t have belly button lint.

The End.

25 comments:

Dazee Dreamer said...

hahaha. Great guest blogger

Amanda said...

Oh, my gosh. That is hilarious! And so very odd! I'm going to check out her site, anyone that will admit to that event is someone I need to know.

Marla said...

Oh Taylor. This is too funny. :)

And my husband has belly button link, too. :)

Janie Fox said...

I am a regular at your blog Taylor. I don't even know how I found you but you never let me down, no matter what the subject matter. A great laugh today.
Belly button lint? haha it must be a lumberjack thang.

Ostriches Look Funny said...

how much lint does this man have???
This was the funniest story ever. AH.I have no words. I'm gonna go stand by the microwave RIGHT NOW!

Ostriches Look Funny said...

how much lint does this man have???
This was the funniest story ever. AH.I have no words. I'm gonna go stand by the microwave RIGHT NOW!

Venassa said...

Haha maybe my favorite guest post ever. I don't have belly button lint either.

Rachel said...

See why she makes me laugh every stinking time? I mean, I read her blog with my legs crossed to keep from having a bladder emergency!

Love you Taylor Maliblahblah!

So glad you didn't have a miscarriage! :) Though I'd still be mad at my husband over that one...

Nancy Oren Wilson said...

your stories never fail to make me laugh and shake my head in gratitude that I am NOT the only person in this world that has ridiculous things happen to her on a regular basis. Thank you so much Taylor for making me feel almost normal.

missmolly72 said...

Taylor, I almost spewed out my coffee on the screen. From someone who has had a couple of miscarriages and has felt what you felt you were feeling at that moment, it still made me laugh.out.loud. Literally. I heart you Taylor!

NaomiG said...

You're the very best Taylor. :-) Love this story... so perfectly shows the complete insanity that is new pregnancy/parenthood paranioa. :-)

jayayceeblog said...

Oh, that is a hilarious story. What a total hoot. Easy to see how the whole thing transpired!

The Queen of Brussels Sprouts said...

Oh Taylor, you, my friend of blog land who may or may not be real, make me laugh. How anyone can take that story and make it funny, I don't know, but you sure did!

ain't for city gals said...

So worth coming over from Janie Foxx blog..I actually read almost your entire blog yesterday..made me laugh...

Kelli said...

She's so funny! I am envious of her ability to make ordinary days hilarious ;) Love your blog, too!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Oh My Goodness, Taylor! You are a HOOT! And Noelle ... I bet you met Taylor through my Blogs to Bookmark series that I did last year. Hers was one that I featured. :)

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Well...this totally traumatized me at first.....but I ended up laughing in the end.

Hard.

What a nice surprise! Great guest blog.

Vicki said...

Men! Gotta love 'em.

Jill said...

So funny! Although I have to wonder if the amount of lint is in someway connected to the number of times he's been electrocuted. Just sayin'. : )

Amy said...

Dear Mrs. Lumberjack,

Is your baby OK? Good grief you had me in tears.

Dear Mr. Lumberjack,

Flush!!!!

Whew! I'm glad I ended this post laughing.

Taylor said...

Noelle, thank you for the chance to guest post!

Shannon said...

Taylor is a hoot! Next time you should ask her to guest post on her issues with pulling her finger. Ha!

Michelle Dawn said...

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I came over to see Taylor as a guest blogger, I follow her blog and this girl rocks, I have heard this story before and it is still just as funny, love her! You laugh, you cry or both but she always has something fun to say!

My Big Secret Blog :) said...

Oh my gosh! I was actually dumbfounded. Being still married to the Lumberjack makes Taylor a very patient wife!

gianna said...

I think that's one of my favorite Taylor stories. (Just like everyday is one of my favorite Taylor stories!)