Sunday, May 1, 2011

Is Life Sometimes Overrated?

I just realized I'm out of antacid.
Sad isn't it?
That's not the saddest thing about my life.
Jason is out of town until Saturday night, and he doesn't have cell phone service.
That makes me more sad than my lack of antacid.
Especially when he's not here to hold me while I cry myself to sleep at night.

Turns out Down's Sydrome is the least of our worries...although that's still a very real possibility.
It was my regular OBGYN who told me that our little Emily may not have a strong enough heart to live on her own once she's born.
And if she does live, the reality is we're looking at surgeries that may not fix anything, just patch things temporarily.

It was just an hour after I heard this news that one of my customers walked past me and said, "Would it kill you to smile Noelle?"

It seems that all of a sudden everyone notices that I'm pregnant.
"Noelle!  You're having a baby!  When are you due?  Is it a boy or a girl?  Oh you must be so excited!"
I'm not sure how to respond.
I smile and say that I'm due the first part of August, and that it's a girl and her name is Emily...and that yes, we're happy.
And then I turn my back to wipe away the tears.

I have never wanted to skip out on a doctor's appointment more in my life than I do this next one.
I would give anything to not have to hear the result of the echo cardiogram they will do this week.
Because as my doctor gently told me, the echo cardiogram will probably tell us exactly what it is we're facing.
Considering that all I've heard from doctors recently is bad news...

I'm so hesitant to write these things...
You come to this blog for something other than sadness and worry and at the moment it seems I'm incapable of giving anything but that.

I promise that I find things to smile at every day.
Today that smile was found as I watched my little nephew flirt with everyone he saw at church...and tonight when Trouble crawled up on my lap and put her hand on my stomach and asked how little 'Elimy' was doing.

I'm blessed.
No matter what happens, I know that God is there...
And it seems that whenever I need something more, that little baby of mine gives me an extra kick, to let me know that she's there...
Oh how I hope she's a fighter.

19 comments:

Vibha said...

Dear Noelle

why do you think you can only share your happy thoughts with us? Friends are for both good times and bad times.

Don't loose your heart dear . Believe in miracles. Believe every thing happens for a reason.

A Diamond looks like a mere stone until it has a proper cut. Only after rapid heat treatment gold would look like gold with all its glitter . Life's difficulties shape one's personality so well that it help to showcase the radiance of soul inside .

You are a brave girl and you can handle this . Just don't be too tough with yourself . Leave things which you can't change to the Almighty and you will be surprised at how good they turn out to be in the end . Believe in miracles.

Akkila

-stephanie- said...

I think we come to your blog because we love you and care for you. When you hurt, we hurt, so when there is not so happy news, we will do what we can to hold you up. I am praying for your sweet Emily. Enjoy her little kicks. :o)

Bossy Betty said...

Oh honey. Wish I could do something to ease your burdens. I know a little bit more about this than I wish I did and can tell you that you can handle whatever comes your way. Thinking of you, and Jason, and Emily too.

Lalis said...

First of all, don't feel bad for not writing something happy or funny. YOU'RE HUMAN. We can't be all cheery all the time, especially not with what you're going through.

We all hope Emily is a fighter, but if not, she will forever be your Emily and you will forever be her mom. I know it is incredibly hard to trust in the Lord when all we can see is what's right in front of our nose, but don't give up on Him. He won't give up on you. Just place in Emily in his hands. That is the best place for her.

wjmom said...

Thank you for sharing your heart--that is not always an easy thing to do. Add me to the LONG list of people who love you and are praying for you and Jason and for your beautiful Emily. And please keep us posted.

wjmom said...

P.S. Life is NEVER overrated. Hard, yes. But worth every moment!

Tiff said...

My heart hurts for you today. I have been crying all morning for you and I want you to know that I love you oh so much and if there is anything that I can do for you, please let me know. xoxo

una hermanita

Anonymous said...

Noelle,

This is so horrible. And to think you have to continue on with this struggle for months to come.

I hope that your experience will help me to be more sensitive and less judgemental, and to remember that being Nice Does Matter.

Love and prayers always

Christina said...

Share it with us. We love you, and we are all praying for you, and all wishing we could hug you and make the pain go away....
xoxo

Dazee Dreamer said...

Noelle, you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Its ok to cry. We all cry with you. Just know that all of us here are wrapping our arms around you and giving you life supporting hugs.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Dear Compie,

I think that little Emily is going to take after her mother - the strongest woman I have ever known.


Love you
J

Anonymous said...

My prayers are with you. I heard this song on the radio today and thought of you...Mark Schultz, What It Means To Be Loved. Not sure if you've heard it yet or not. It's ok to share your thoughts and feelings here no need to be happy and funny all of the time.

Kate said...

Gosh I don't even have anything good or sweet or important to say, just that I'm reading and I'm here and I'm sending good thoughts.

TJ said...

i know this pain. first time no heartbeat. second, my body said no and pushed her out.

in time, you will find peace. i know this. when it comes you will know it. i'm still waiting for mine, but i guess i need to wait for longer than a few months.

also, if jason cannot go with you to the next appointment, please take someone else. you will need their support, no matter what the outcome.

i'll pray for peace for both of us.

trublubyu said...

chris came out of his office today with tears in his eyes and asked me if i had read your blog lately- and i said no. then he told me what you are up against. and i read your blog and my heart feels for you.

god bless you and jason as you pull together and share in life's journey. i know that you have faith and hope, but i also know how you must be aching.

prayers and hugs from arizona. thanks for your honesty and candor.

Anonymous said...

“We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

“And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

“And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.” (Rom. 5:3–5.)

I hope this might give you courage and comfort, for even though we don't seek out trials, in hindsight we can see how much we have gained from the most difficult times we have experienced in life. You have lived enough of life to know this to be true. A dear friend of mine, after a year of chemo which involved giving herself shots in the stomach, said that it was the best thing that had happened to her. She told me that she felt, as those in the Martin handcart company "(we) came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities."

May the Lord bless and keep you, Noelle.

jayayceeblog said...

We're all here for you, Noelle, hoping, praying and loving your sweet little family! Hang in there!!!

Shan said...

I'm sure you'll have family with you at the appointment, but know that you've got a lot of people out here pulling for you, too.

Sending you love and peace.

adrienzgirl said...

Sometimes I feel like YOU were put in my path the very first day I started blogging for me.

Other times I feel like I was put in your path that day so I could be there for you.

You remind me every single day what it is to be a Child of God. You remind me everyday what it means to be a shining example. I've lost my way more times than I can count, and forget who I am daily. But you do not. You let your light shine through good times, and bad times, and everything in between.

Noelle, I know with all my heart, that regardless of the outcome, Heavenly Father sent Emily to you because YOU are special. Whether she spends a moment here with you, an hour, or a lifetime...eternally she chose you because of who you are. Hold that dear to your heart.

Love you!