Thursday, July 28, 2011

Worry Gets Me Nothing But Grey Hair

My mom's phone rang this morning at 1:30am.
She was sure I was calling to tell her we were having a baby.
It was a wrong number.

Last night when I left work I told my brother that tomorrow I was going to teach him how to use Quickbooks...our accounting program.
He said, "You won't be here tomorrow."
When I walked in this morning he did a little cheer.
And then right after his cheer another co-worker walked in and threw his hands in the air.
"It's not that we're not happy to see you," he said, "But really, we don't want you here."
"Have a baby already."

What they don't know is that they are going to miss me when I'm gone.
A lot.

My heart is a little bit heavy today.
I've mentioned before that I have a cousin with twin girls.
They just turned a year old.
One of the little girls, Lucy, was given the same diagnosis Emily was with her heart.
Lucy has had two open heart surgeries, and is still struggling.
She will go in on Tuesday for her third surgery.
I'm not sure of the details, but according to my cousin it's a risky surgery, and they're not sure that their little girl will survive it.

Obviously I can't help but worry...for my cousin, for her baby, for Emily, and for Jason and me.
I can't help but wonder if we're headed down the same path...if Emily's future will mirror Lucy's first year of life.
My mom and I talked about it yesterday and she reminded me...again...that God has a plan for Emily, just like He does for Lucy.
The thing is...I feel guilt when I hope and pray that Emily's plan isn't as traumatic as Lucy's has been.
I feel a lot of other things too...things that I don't give a voice to very often because they don't do anything but make me doubt my faith.

Anyway...enough of this.

I had my last non-stress test this morning.
I'm pretty sure the nurse is going to miss me and my amniotic fluid.

I keep thinking it's Friday.
It's only case you needed the reminder too.


Beth Zimmerman said...

Noelle ... I LOVE you! Just wanted to remind you of that!

wjmom said...

Ditto what Beth said. Prayers are (still) coming your way!

Mom on a Line said...

What you have described with Lucy and your feelings is classic heart mom guilt. We all get it from time to time (I don't think it is avoidable). What you do have to know is that every heart baby goes down their own path. No matter how similar their diagnoses are to each other, you cannot compare. One, it will drive you crazy. And two, two different kids just don't follow the same path. Keeping you all close in thought and sending lots of heart hugs.

Taylor said...

Hang in there! You will get to hold little Emily soon. :) said...

That's a lot of heaviness for your heart to carry, dear Noelle. I'll keep Lucy in my heart/prayers too.

Sandra said...

1. It has felt like Friday all day for me too

2. You looked so good when I saw you last night, but I could tell your heart was heavy and wished I had more time to spend with you

3. what you feel is normal. and ok. so just feel what you feel.

4. Yes, they are going to miss you when you are gone.

5. Love you guys!

TheBlogWriter8 said...

I'm going to be thinking of Lucy, Emily, you and all the goodness that is happening to all of you as I type.

Carlie said...

Noelle, this waiting and wondering has got to be so hard. The other night Liza and I were talking/crying. The question was raised...why does the Lord allow suffering of little children when they are unable to learn or grow from their trials. We talked about Lucy and that she probably knew what her life would include and maybe even chose her trials. she has done more missionary work in her first year of life than I have done in over 30. She has turned many to Christ and brought our family much closer to each other and to The Savior. Her pain and suffering has changed me and other who are lucky enough to know her. Your little Emily is doing the same even before she's here. She has brought people to their knees to rely on the Lord. People are exercising their faith in her behalf. What a great blessing Emily is to all of us who pray for her. Thank you for sharing. Try not to feel guilty. Everyone wants the best for their kids and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Xoxo

Eliza said...

We love you Noelle and are thinking about you. I hope Emily's journey isn't as traumatic as Lucy's either. We have been grateful for every moment we've had with Lucy and we just have to live one day at a time. When I was in your position one hour at a time. Praying for You.

emilia. said...

you can totally do this. so can emily. girls with that name have a way of kicking butt.

i love you. even though i've never met you. thank you for being born.