Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Daily Grind

When we leave the hospital at night they always tell us, "No news is good news.  Go home and sleep."
Last night the hospital called us twice.
Our baby girl has had some setbacks, and it looks like she's going to be in the hospital for at least two more weeks.
They were going to go in and close her chest this morning, and remove the breathing tube later today or tomorrow.
That's been postponed now...until when...we don't know.

There are so many things about this situation that I hate.
But focusing on them doesn't do me any good...in fact, it does just the opposite.
I'm trying really hard to remain positive and hopeful.
Some minutes are better than others.
I called my dad this morning and he gave me a pep talk.

I think Jason and I are going to start taking turns at the hospital.
We can't hold Emily right now, and she is so sedated that she doesn't always know that we are there.
And considering that we've both got jobs and life that goes on with or without our baby in the hospital...that seems our best option.

I've been trying to figure out what it is I'm feeling this time around and I think I can finally put it into words.
I feel like my role as a mother has been taken away from me...that it was only a temporary gig.
Like the universe is telling me, 'Sorry, you didn't do a good enough job.'
I can't hold my baby, I can't feed her...
Because of her breathing tube she doesn't even cry...
It's the most helpless feeling in the world, and it's hard.

Taking a deep breath...........

My sweet sister-in-law is in the hospital today too.
She's having a baby.
She's been worried about me and she's felt guilty that she's having a healthy baby.
I've tried telling her that there is no room for guilt.
I hope she believes me.
Because from the very bottom of my heart...and soul...I'm only happy and grateful that her little one is healthy.

Would you please keep praying for my little one?
She could use it.


Judy said...

Oh Noelle, my heart aches for you. When my son was born, he was in the NICU for 10 days and (though I know what we went through was nothing like what you and Jason are going through) I can understand to some degree how much your heart must be hurting.

Keep focusing on your lives outside of the hospital so that when you are with Emily she can be your sole focus. No one would ever doubt your love and devotion for your little girl just because you can't be with her every second.

rika said...

Always Noelle, always praying for Emily.

Erka said...

All I could think while reading your post was, "Noelle was trusted with this special little girl, because our Father in Heaven knew she could do it! She might think she is breaking, but she can do it!" We keep you in our prayers for as long as you ask for them. Hope Emily starts doing better faster than expected!

TheBlogWriter8 said...

Noelle, there is peace in this for you- it is there. Feel it envelop you, your family and the caregivers. There is good news. It's there.

-stephanie- said...

I am praying for you, Jason and your little sweetheart. God bless all of you.

Butterscotch Caramel said...

Noelle: I know the feeling. Seth and Kaylee had to stay in the hospital for 6 weeks. I couldn't hold them until the last week before they came home. Stay strong....Emily feels you are there. I will keep you in my prayers most definately.


Mom on a Line said...

Dear Noelle,

I am just catching up on reading and I am very sad to hear that Emily had to go back to the OR and will remain hospitalized for so long. I am very happy you knew something was wrong and were able to help Emily when she needed it most. That shows what a wonderful mother you are.

I will keep Emily, Jason, and you in my thoughts. Sending so many heart hugs your way.

Jenny Hatch said...

Just got chills of good vibes when I read TheBlogWriter8 comment, especially "there is peace in this for you." I am holding on tight to that comment for you, cause I second it. And I know angels are close, literally. I am praying for you. For Jason. And Sweet Baby Emily.

Jessica Peterson said...

So so sorry Noelle. I love that little Emily. Praying for you both every day. Please let me know what I can do. Love you guys.

Shan said...

Noelle, you are such a good mama. Miss Elimy's struggles aren't a reflection of your love or the quality of your care. She is, in fact, getting this fighting chance because you are so attentive. Sending you love and a peaceful heart.

Joann Mannix said...

I seemed to have missed a few days, here, but that doesn't mean that you're always on my mind and in my prayers. My last prayer every night as I drift off to sleep is for sweet Emily and for all of you that you can hold onto your grace, your faith and your strength.

I am so sorry for this difficult journey you all are going through. My love is with you. God's love is with you.

Mary said...

Always, and for you too.

People are right. Emily was chosen for you at this time because you and Jason are the right ones for the job, not anyone else.

le Chef said...

The universe is not telling you you didn't do a good enough job. The universe, being what it is, already knew everything about you; your strengths, your weaknesses, your needs, and your heart, BEFORE Emily was even born. "It" looked upon you and found you WORTHY of caring for this child, despite the pain, the heartache, the fear - "It" knew there was no better place for her than where she is, because the universe knows all beginnings, and all ends. IT isn't punishing you, it is thankful you were willing to accept the challenge.
"It" knew your heart would be able to fend for these baby, and when your heart spoke you listened. Emily isn't in the hospital because you failed, she's in the hospital because you listened. Right now, I can think of no better place for her while her little body heals.
The universe knew exactly what it was doing when it made you Emily's mom.
Smart universe.