Thursday, September 8, 2011

Little Emily Had A Bad Day

Today for the first time in Trouble's existence she and I were not friends.

Emily and I had a great morning together.
She drank more of her bottle than she has in several days and she was happy and content.
This afternoon it all went downhill.

Trouble was hanging out with me while I fed Emily.
We were having another mostly successful bottle feeding and I was, for once, feeling optimistic.
When Emily was two thirds of the way through her bottle she stopped eating and I let her.
I had been unable to get her to burp and I knew she probably had a big bubble in her tummy.
Emily spent 10 or 15 minutes on my shoulder before I gave up and put her in her car seat.

I attached a syringe to her feeding tube and had just poured the milk into it, when Emily burped, and milk came out of both her mouth and her nose.
At the same time I went to clean up the milk Emily did something...took a deep breath, or coughed...something...and started to choke on the milk that was still in her throat.
The choking scared her and she panicked.
I was still holding the stupid feeding tube with one hand and couldn't get Emily out of the car seat without dropping the syringe and spilling milk everywhere.
Emily's little back was arched, her face was turning purple, and she wasn't breathing.
By this point her nose was filled with junk, making it even harder to get a breath, and she just stared at me with scared eyes.

I said over and over again, "Breathe baby, breathe."  I had turned her over and was attempting to clear her airway, when she took one deep breath and then started to scream at the top of her lungs.
I held her close and let her cry.
I cried too.
It was somewhere in the middle of all of this that I heard this from Trouble:
"Noelle, you're not a very good mom to Elimy."
It's amazing how much the words of a three year old can sting.

My little lady was as pale as a ghost and her color wasn't coming back.
She was breathing, but she acted like she had passed out.
I left my office and found my mom.
She took one look at me and asked, "What happened?"
At that point I lost it just a little bit and was shaking.
"Mom, her color isn't coming back.  What's wrong?  What should I do?"  The questions tumbled out and my mom pulled Emily and I both in for a hug.

We watched her for a minute, and after taking another deep breath, Emily opened her eyes and looked at me.
Her eyes didn't leave my face and slowly her color came back.
She settled into my arms and before too long acted like nothing had happened.

I called Trouble's mom and said, "If Trouble tells you that I used sour words with her, I want to defend myself."

How's that for pathetic?  Calling my sister to defend myself against her three year old daughter.

Emily's tube got pulled out tonight.  I'm not sure how.  She screamed and screamed as her daddy put it back in.

What did I do?
I went to my bedroom and threw some things around and cried a good long cry.
Jason has yet to come to bed.
I'm guessing he's probably scared of me...or sick to death of my emotions.

At least my kitchen is clean.


-stephanie- said...

Oh sweet girl, you know you're a wonderful mom, because it sounds like you had a wonderful mom to teach you, but I understand the emotions. Been there.
Sending hugs.

Tiff said...

I just can't even imagine. I'm sorry you had a rough day. I'll keep you in my prayers. Good luck today!


Sam said...

Oh Noelle. I know it doesn't mean much, but no one doubts your ability as a mother. In fact, as I was reading it, I was actually thinking to myself, "Oh my God. I am trained in infant CPR and I would be panicking right now oh my gosh oh my gosh." To this day since hearing about your pregnancy difficulties, the only word I can find to accurately describe your mommy-ing ability is "flawless".

But I totally hear you... Kids can say some pretty harsh stuff without even realizing or meaning it. And it's amazing how much the sentence of a kid can hurt a grown-up's feelings.

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, how scary! I'm so sorry that happened.

And you are the best mommy to Emily. Someday, Trouble will understand that but for now, 3 is 3.

You and Emily taking those big, well needed breaths together.

I know this is hard and sometimes almost unbearable, but it will get better. Keep reminding yourself of that. And breathe. Just breathe.

Heather said...

I am so sorry.
I have experienced few things more scary than a choking baby.

I hope you and Trouble have made up!

You kitchen is clean? I think that proves you are way ahead of the game. :)

Sandra said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry.

I had a similar experience with 2 of my children and it is scary, scary, scary.

(but I do have to tell you that as far as relationships go, it is better to have only one person at a time throwing things out of frustration/emotion/whatever and one person cleaning out of frustration/emotion/whatever. It works better that way.)

Janine said...

Precious lady ... I wish I could pop over to meet you and throw my arms around you in a big bear hug! You have been so amazing through everything you have faced. I cannot even imagine the range of emotions you have waded through. Just know that there are so many who love you and are praying for you, Jason and your baby girl. You are a wonderful mommy!

Mom on a Line said...

How scary! I'm very sorry you had to go through such an ordeal. Very glad that Emily's color came back and no trips to the hospital were needed.

Sending lots of healing thoughts to you. Being a heart mom is very hard, emotionally, physically, and in every which way we are people. {{{hugs}}}

TheBlogWriter8 said...

Woah. How come I'm reading this after the letter to Emily? Ah. Clearing her airway? Do you know that you sound more like a fabulous doctor/nurse when you say that? Hun, all mommies are the BEST for their child/children. God made them that way. I'm sorry you had a pathetic day. You're doing great, I promise- wait for Trouble to come and tell you that soon. I SEE it coming.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

You my dear, have a gift for words.

...and I'm glad that you used a few on Trouble. But I can guarantee that it was well written and exacuted.

You can't help it - it's the gifted writer in you.

Lalis said...

Aw, Noelle! My heart aches for you! You're not doing ANYTHING wrong. You're doing the best you can, but you just love that little girl so much that you just can't stand seeing her go through any pain.

I know I keep comparing you to my sis but it's only because you both just had your first child; Emily and my nephew are only a few weeks apart. Anyway, my sister will tell me of how her soul will break into a million pieces if she sees her son in any sort of discomfort. You are not any different and Emily has been through more than most babies.

Breathe Noelle. Remember who you are. Who Emily is. Remember Who is in charge and all the miracles you have already witnessed. You will probably encounter more situations like these. When that happens, say a quick prayer in your mind and then act, but never panic.

And keep an eye on your mailbox... :)

Shan said...

Hey Mama,
We *all* have times when we say or do things we wish we could do over. I'm sure if Trouble remembers this when she's older, she'll know what I mean. Go easy on yourself for your sour words. I have watched my daughter turn blue and be unresponsive after a seemingly minor head injury. It's traumatic!

Hugs to you and the rest of your beautiful family (including Trouble).

le Chef said...

Ooooohhhh family politics! How I know that road - and how I have a hard time appreciating it. I also know all about working with family - kind of a double edged sword at times. Both a blessing ... and some days a real trial.
Well, your a kinder, gentler woman than I, because I certainly wouldn't have offered Trouble's mom any reasons as to why her daughter had been a recipient of the backside of my tongue. The comment she laid on you was out of line. I get that she's young, but manners are manners.
Sorry, but things like that just rile me up.
I had a "Trouble" of my own at our family office ... I'll just say, sometimes trouble needs set boundaries, and I'll leave it at that.

You did right by your baby. You should never have to apologize for that. Sometimes those little ones will put a good scare on us. Sometimes they scare themselves. Thankfully you knew what to do, and that made all the difference; Emily just learned that mama bear made it better, and I guarantee that helped her recover. YOU ARE A SUPERB MOTHER, and Emily knows it. - Look at that baby of yours, see how happy and well she's doing - considering all she's been through? That is because of you and Jason.

And he probably is leery of the hormones; men feel in black and white, while women are more like an explosion at a paint factory. Stir us up enough and the end result is always a muddy black - he's smart enough to know when to lay low. You'll sort yourself eventually.

And seriously, try those cheap kitchen things. They really are wonderful stress relievers.

Wow that was long - sorry.