Friday, September 16, 2011

On Being Grateful For A Crying Baby

Hell... exactly what the last 48 hours have been.

When I posted my last white flag of surrender waving...
...I was surrendering to the norm of being a new mommy.

Jason went out of town on Tuesday and I was surrendering my sleep.
I was surrendering to the dirty dishes in the sink... the unmade bed...
...the uncombed hair...
...the house in disarray...

And I was surrendering to the cold that was wiping me out.
I have been living on cold medication and Coke for the last week.
The cold medication to keep my symptoms under control, and the Coke to keep me awake.

And flowing in and out of all of it was the thought deep in my heart that something was wrong with my baby girl.
"She's sick," I would tell anyone who would listen.
"She doesn't feel feel well," I would say out loud over and over again.
And yet I had nothing to prove it.
No high temperature.
No cold symptoms.
Until last night.

Emily cried the entire night.
And Emily doesn't cry.
From about midnight on, my sweet baby girl cried until she was exhausted.
And then when she couldn't cry, she whimpered until she had saved enough energy to cry again.
We rocked in the rocking chair.
We snuggled in bed.
I sang quiet songs.
I prayed...over and over again.
And my little miss just cried.
 At 4:00 this morning I joined her, and we both cried until we were out of energy.

One minute after I knew her pediatrician's office was open, I called.
"What are her symptoms?" I was asked.
"She is crying and it's getting harder for her to breathe."
They wanted to see her in two hours.
I called my angel of a sister who came and held Emily as she cried, and I jumped in the shower.

My sister and I spent an hour in the pediatrician's office.
From there we were sent to the hospital.
And from the hospital my baby and I were taken to her children's hospital by ambulance.  
Thankfully Jason's flight home was today, and he met us at the hospital.

Miss Elimy has an infection in her incision.
A serious one.
One that has most likely been growing ever since her surgery, and just in the last week presented itself so that I could see it.
The infection is deep, going all the way to her still healing sternum.
 After being at Primary Children's for just two hours Emily was taken into surgery, where they opened her up and cleaned out the infection.
Her incision was left open, and tomorrow and the day after that, and probably the day after that, they will clean her incision and give her continuous antibiotics.

We left our baby girl in the hospital ... again.
When we got home I climbed into a hot bath, and sat in the dark and cried.
Oh how I cried.
My mom told me tonight that she was proud of me.
When I asked her why she said, "Because you followed your heart and you saved your little girl's life."

I'm tired.
More tired than I've ever been.
And I'm filled with emotions I may never be able to express.

But know this...
I've seen a miracle today, and when I can put two coherent sentences together I will tell you about it.
At the bottom of all of the pain is my absolute knowledge that God lives, and that God loves my baby girl.

Once again Emily has to's a good thing she knows how.


Kristin said...

Oh Noelle, I'm with your mom on this one - you listened to your Mommy instincts! Good for you!!

My dad had that infection years ago where they had to clean out his sternum and leave the incision open. Scared the heck out of me but the dr's knew what they were doing and it healed. It was a scary time though, because he was in isolation too. Not fun but God was with us, and I know (and so do you) that he is with you all right now.

love and hugs...

My Life said...

Isn't it something special we have? I am proud of you too. I've been there, KNOWING something wasn't right but having no 'evidence'. Noelle, you are awesome! I think of you and Elimy (hehe) LOTS! She is such a little fighter, so, so strong because the Guy who made her up there is strong!! :) You will all be in our prayers(extra specially).

<3 <3 <3 <3

Amy said...

Are you tired of hearing that we're praying for you? Cuz I'm not tired of saying it. And we are. You and Elimy. And Jason too. I look forward to a happy update - soon. When you can.

Shan said...

Oh, Noelle... I'm sad you're going through this. But count me among the moms who are proud of you. When I read that your mom said she was proud of you, I just nodded. You are one fine mama.

Elizabeth said...

Hang in there, Noelle. Sometimes that is all you can do. But I've found comfort in the thought that God doesn't give us more than we can handle because he will always help us when we ask. This I know to be true. I'll be praying for you.

xo -E

Sarah said...

Sending all of my prayers to you and your perfect little family!

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

I'm been so worried all night so I fianlly came to work at 5:30am.

...and now I'm crying.

I love you. Both of you. Heck - all three of you!

Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way.

Karen said...

Bless her little heart and your's. Sending love, hugs and prayers from Las Vegas. Love you guys.

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, Noelle. Hang on, darlin'. Just hang on.

Your mom is right. You saved your baby's life. Your mother's heart saved your girl. I know it's so tough right now to understand God's plan, but here is proof positive that He knows what He's doing.

I'm praying for Emily's speedy recovery and for you and for Jason.

Take some more hot baths. And rest, girl, rest as much as you can. Your sweet girl is in good hands. Now, take care of you.

Bridget said...

Oh Noelle! I am crying for you! Lot's of prayers heading your and sweet Emily's way! You are both so strong! XOXOXOXO

adrienzgirl said...

Your true strength, and the strength you have given your baby girl lies in your faith and the fact that you listen when the Spirit whispers to you!

I'll be praying for you and Elimy again. Praying for comfort and strength! LOVE TO YOU!

Meghan said...

You are so awesome! We have mommy's intuition for a reason. That little girl is so lucky to have you! We will keep praying as hard as we can for Emily, you and Jason.

Singedwingangel said...

OH Noelle I am so glad you knew to follow your heart... and saved her life and her have my prayers .. of course she is a fighter look who her momma is..

AimeeS said...

Praying for Emily. Good job momma for listening to your heart.

Mama P said...

Sending my love and prayers your way. <3 said...

Oh Noelle, I'm tearing up (again) for you. It seems like it's non-stop. Thanks for coming by and leaving an update. Now I'll keep my prayers more specific. Your angel does know how to fight and so do her parents (and family).

With continued love, prayers and faith,

Julie said...

Prayers for you and Jason and miss Emily. All will be good, you have great doctors and the Lord knows all and just look how great a mommy you are. AMAZING!!!
Take care and have a blessed weekend.

Dazee Dreamer said...

you guys are in my thoughts and prayers. and way to listen to your mothers intuision. It really is there. I believe in it.

TortugaRachel said...

And this is why God gave Emily you for her Mommy. He knew you would love her and care for her and listen to her and be there when she needs you.

I nearly lost my daughter when she was 12 days old because everyone told me she was fine and I didn't listen. I took her to the ER and she turned blue in my arms. She had pneumonia in all of one lung and half the other and wasn't crying because she couldn't, she couldn't breathe! Even my mom said "she's just pale from being born in winter" but I refused to take that as a reason.

God gives us Mommy instincts to protect our babies and I am so very thankful that we listen to them. Way to go Noelle!

Venassa said...

Aw poor Emily :( There really is nothing like mother's instinct, is there? Hopefully they get her healthy and fixed up as soon as possible.

TheBlogWriter8 said...

I'm late, but I'm here. I'm sorry, Noelle. This kid is going to be fine. I know it just like you do somewhere in your heart.

le Chef said...

Noelle, ALWAYS trust your intuition. I had to do the same thing with my own daughter; I'm sorry you're going through it. It IS hard.
I am happy ... relieved ... proud even, to read that you stuck with it and followed your mothers heart.
Sometimes life happens, and usually at the most inopportune times - like daddies being out of town (Oh how I can relate!) - but you are not alone. There are angels there for mommies, and when they whisper in your ear, it's always good to listen. I'm glad you're able to hear them .. not everyone can.