Saturday, October 22, 2011

Tomorrow Will Be Better

*Disclaimer: I'm having a small pity party*

To those of you who have commented on how strong I am, I'm here to tell you it's probably not even a little bit true.  
I'm a mess a lot of the time.
This post will prove that.

If there is one thing I've always been it's involved.
In everything.
Before I got married I spent three or four nights a week with friends or my family.
If I had free time and the weather was nice you would usually find me on a hike.
I worked long hours but I loved my job and was okay with my schedule.

Fast forward through a wedding, a long run of bad health, pregnancy, and the little miss.

As I drove to the hospital this morning I balled my eyes out.
I cried with worry for my baby.
I cried because I'm exhausted.
I cried for the loss of my easy life.
And I cried because of the incredible loneliness I feel.

I rarely see my family.  I never see my friends. And the four walls of this hospital room are a far cry from  a mountain trail.

BUT...I'll do whatever I need to for Emily...I always will...even when it's hard.


Sandra said...

Sometimes pity parties are ok- and they don't mean you are not strong, they just mean you are human. (remember D&C 121 & 122?)

You are strong, but you just don't know it. It is like walking through a forest, you don't ever know how far to the end you are until you are there and then you realize that the walk was worth it and you are better for it.

As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will make it through. AND you are strong.

(and just know that admitting that you are feeling lonely is also a good thing- others can then help you out)

Julie said...

On my dear Noelle and Jason. I am so sorry Emily is back in the hospital. I am glad that she's doing okay though and that she'll get to go home next week. You are strong Noelle, very. The perfect mama for Emily. You are all meant to be. I understand the mama's heart and the worry (I almost lost Mike to Meningitis) and though my pain was only 3 weeks long I can tell you I do understand the worry.
Praying for you all. Take care and have a blessed weekend.

Rachel Starchman said...

We all need a pity party every once in awhile, even a strong, amazing mommy like you. And its ok. The sun will come out soon, your blessings will be brighter and your heart fuller. I know because I've been there. Keep on keeping on, prayers and happy thoughts coming your way. ((Hugs Noelle))

Mom on a Line said...

I'm glad you let it out. Holding it all in makes it harder. Thinking of you all and sending lots of heart hugs.

Singedwingangel said...

I think as women we all have that moment when we fully realized all that has changed in our lives. Sending you love and hugs hun this too shall pass

Shan said...

We don't see your strength because you don't struggle through this, we see how strong you are because we see you continue struggling.

And we hope for a new and better version of your old easy life for you, too. Because we love you.

Lalis said...

(Because you have every right to feel that way and I can't blame you, judge you, or think any less of you)

TheBlogWriter8 said...

"Dear God, I hope you're doing something for this girl soon."

le Chef said...

Regardless of age or circumstances, a mother typically bawls her eyes out over her child(ren). Either because she's so proud of them, she's frightened for them .. and sometimes, just because she has them.

I had friends once, and cool jobs, and many hiking excursions.
Then I had kids, and I cried for everything I had lost to motherhood. I found that I had to make time for friends / family; I had to take those hikes; and I had to have something other than mommy-hood to sustain me. It's OK. The kids will survive, and you'll feel better if you do.
Babies kind of suck life into a bubble. It does get better. Life happens, regardless of kids.
Hon, make a point of having "Noelle" days. Your body and soul need these. If I lived closer I would kidnap you and take you on a hike. - which may should kind of stalker-ie .. but you know what I mean.
Have your pity party days, but also have your "Look at all we've accomplished!" days, and then celebrate by rewarding yourself.
You're a good, decent mother. Cry if you need to, but then climb back into that saddle, and enjoy the ride.
(I hope this made sense - just got off work and I'm a bit punchy.)