Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Another Day, Another Dollar ... spent on medical bills ...

You wanted to know what I do when I'm not blogging?
I have breakdowns.
Really ugly, stay at home in my pajamas, crying all the time breakdowns.
In fact, I think Jason saw me cry more today than he's ever seen me cry.
And we've been married forever...if two years can count as forever.

When my mom asked me why I didn't go to church on Sunday I told her it was because I was tired of telling the world that I'm fine, when in truth, I feel far from fine.
Now now, before you think I've fallen completely off of the deep end...
We can't take Emily to church anyway, as instructed by the pediatrician, every cardiologist in the state of Utah, and more nurses than I have fingers to count.  One of us has to stay home, and I just happened to volunteer.

It's dumb actually.
People I say I'm fine to at church read this blog...in reality I'm not hiding anything.

And now I wonder if I say too much on this little blogspot of mine.

Well, why no say it like it is?  Most of you have been with me through the best and worst times of my life, and if you keep coming back it probably means that you're not bothered by what I write.

So with that I'll just tell you that I'm struggling.
A lot.

I'll also tell you that it will get better.
A lot.
And I'm taking the proper steps to make sure of that.

I just crawled across the wide expanse that is our bed to see if I could find a picture on Jason's phone.
Not any particular picture, just something different than what is on my phone.
I don't know where Jason is.
Maybe in his office working?
It's 11:52pm.  Why is he working?

Probably because this afternoon, when he realized the ridiculously fragile state of my emotions, he said that he would love to accompany Emily and me to the bank and then to my office so that he could see my recently finished paint job.
And then because when I told him I probably needed to eat some Mexican food he took me out on a date.  (Thank you Becca, for always being there when we need you.)  ((Have you met Becca?  She's the best triplet sister a girl could ask for!))
And all of this was instead of doing the work he had to get done today.

Okay, I simply can't keep my eyes open another second.

Here are the pictures I chose from Jason's phone.

Because you love me you are not going to make any kind of comment regarding the fact that I haven't lost all of my baby fat (trust me, not everyone loves me enough to not say something) and because I love you I'm going to give you a tiny little sneak peek into my office.

Do you see the corner of that pillow in the second picture?
Those colors were my inspiration.


Shan said...

Beautiful mama, it will all be okay. Did you know that women who have babies without heart conditions sometimes have lots of breakdowns? Sometimes we cry and we wonder what the heck we've gotten ourselves into and then we worry that the "they" in our heads will think that means we regret having our babies. But we don't. We are overwhelmed by becoming a mother (no matter if this is our first or our third or our sixth). Never having had a child like Miss Elimy, I still think that what you are going through is completely normal. Please be gentle with yourself on those days when you need to cry. It's good to get it out as you feel it. Holding it in only works for so long.

TortugaRachel said...

I love the one of you reading to Elimy. She's so intent on the book!

Bossy Betty said...

You, my darling, are absolutely beautiful--inside and out. I know you may not see it, but I do and you know better than to argue with me.

Rachel Starchman said...

((hugs)) I really wish I could bring you something smothered in chocolate and have a good cry with you. I am sure Emily and I can share formula, you can eat the chocolate and her and I will drink formula and cry together <3 I know we have never met, but I love you and think you are amazing and you guys are always still in my daily prayers.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, that sweet Emily! I love to see photos of her.

Also, I'm sorry about all the crying. I remember when the faucet turned on for me. I couldn't turn it off. I cried all the time. About everything. I wish there was something I could do to turn off the tears for you.

And I know exactly what you mean about not liking to be asked how you're doing. Inside you're not OK, but everybody just wants to hear "fine" and move along. They don't really want to hear how you are doing. And you don't really want to tell them for that matter. For the really longest time, I hated that question because it felt like a lie to just answer "fine."

So, if you ever need to tell someone how you're really doing, you know how to reach me. I'm sorry that things are so tough right now. So sorry. I wish I could make it better.

xo -E

Anonymous said...

Please please go see a counselor!! I have great one in Orem that is not expensive at all. You need to talk to someone that's not personally involved.

Anonymous said...

Dear Friend,
Did you get my email? Don't you think I had a brilliant idea? I miss your face!
Call me!

Lisa L. said...

Hang in there- it will get easier. Life can be so hard. Emotions can be exhausting. Just feel how you feel, take care of yourself and try to do something special for you every single day. Hugs Lisa L.

le Chef said...

I've been gone. I still pray for E though.
I understand the breakdowns, the freak outs, the panic and fatigue. I'm going through that right now as we try to get my daughter leveled out. Even the co-pays are killing us. But, whatugunnado.
I wish I had a cure for this mommy madness that sometimes overtakes us. Sometimes it seems the only thing keeping me sane is my pathetic attempts at yoga in my basement - can't afford the real thing. It's a nice diversion.
You'll get there. Keep hanging on; one moment at a time.

Jackie said...

I just feel for you! Do you need some cookies?

You are a beautiful, strong mom.

Beth Zimmerman said...

You've got enough going on for depression to be normal but ... Have you talked to YOUR doctor about the possibility of PPD? Medicine really can help make it better if it's hormonal or chemical. Love you, friend!

Of One Heart said...

You're just the right amount of plump for me to reach out and hug you tight! Noelle, I still think you look gorgeous, kind, beautiful and very loving. Whichever nutter out there thinks otherwise needs the vision to see better. I'll say a prayer for them all.

Thank you for crawling to show us pictures. I love that you have Jason and Becca and the people at church who check on you. Stay sane for a wee bit longer. You'll last. You all will.


Of One Heart said...

Noelle, I love you- you know that right? Be good!

Eh said...

Noelle, remember what Dory kept singing in Finding Nemo...JUST KEEP SWIMMING. That's all. We either sink or swim...and your are a wonderful swimmer. Keep it up. And a side note: your pants in the first picture are awesome. Loving you from far away. Syndergaard