This little lady?
The one who randomly snuggles up with Grandma's crocheted washcloth?
She is more than likely uninsurable.
I think it has something to do with the fact that her first 5 months of life cost almost a million dollars.
Now...it's okay that she's uninsurable...because for now she has insurance.
As long as I keep working...due to the fact that I'm the policy holder on our insurance.
And as long as our business actually stays in business.
Herein lies the impossible that is my life.
Emily's medical needs aren't going to disappear.
And as a result I can't quit my job.
As it turns out, I don't want to quit my job.
My job isn't a job.
It's my life...my family's life...it defines a part of who I am...and in order for our business to stay in business my job needs me.
But I have a daughter who is high maintenance, and who is on what my fellow heart mommy's call 'winter lockdown.'
She's a beauty and a darling, but she's high maintenance.
I have a husband, and a house, and laundry, and, and, and...
And at the end of every day, when I notice a little more clutter, and the dirty clothes outnumber the clean ones, I hang my head and think, "I need to quit my job."
See above dilemma.
Jason came home from a work meeting tonight and said, "This year is going to be crazy. I am going to have to spend a lot more time in the office than I have been."
See above dilemmas.
If you say to me, "you can do impossible things" my friend Joann is going to throw a brick at you.
Actually, what she said was that she was going to throw bricks through store front windows if Emily had tears on her face (see picture in previous post) from being sick. But I'm thinking if I asked her to throw her bricks somewhere else, she would.
Randomly throughout the day I will stop what I'm doing and have a mostly one-sided conversation with God.
"How am I supposed to choose?"
"I can't choose."
"I CAN'T choose."
"My options aren't negotiable at the moment."
I'm looking at the budget.
I'm crunching the numbers.
I'm thinking my only saving grace is paying someone to come in once a week and help me out.
Jason tells me that's not necessary.
All I need to do is make him a job chart.
It's probably best I keep quiet on that one.
And all of this? ...plus a whole bunch of emotional baggage we better not get into...
This is the reason I had to make another New Year's Resolution:
When someone asks, and everyone does, "Is she your first baby?" my reply can no longer be, "Yes, and she is also our last."
Because maybe someday ... someday ... impossible won't seem so impossible.
But I'm not holding my breath.
And finally, because if you've read this far you deserve to see what I do for entertainment, here is what I do for entertainment:
I hook Emily up to the oxygen monitor to see how she's doing.
You want this kind of entertainment?
Come on over...any time...as long as you're not sick.
If you are sick you are not welcome...no matter how much I love you.
I've said all I can say.
PS. 100! 100 is awesome! That high maintenance darling of mine? She's amazing!