Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Impossible

This little lady?
The one who randomly snuggles up with Grandma's crocheted washcloth?


She is more than likely uninsurable.
I think it has something to do with the fact that her first 5 months of life cost almost a million dollars.

Now...it's okay that she's uninsurable...because for now she has insurance.
As long as I keep working...due to the fact that I'm the policy holder on our insurance.
And as long as our business actually stays in business.

Herein lies the impossible that is my life.
Emily's medical needs aren't going to disappear.
Probably ever.
And as a result I can't quit my job.
Probably ever.

As it turns out, I don't want to quit my job.
My job isn't a job.
It's my life...my family's life...it defines a part of who I am...and in order for our business to stay in business my job needs me.

But I have a daughter who is high maintenance, and who is on what my fellow heart mommy's call 'winter lockdown.'
She's a beauty and a darling, but she's high maintenance.
I have a husband, and a house, and laundry, and, and, and...
And at the end of every day, when I notice a little more clutter, and the dirty clothes outnumber the clean ones, I hang my head and think, "I need to quit my job."

See above dilemma.

Jason came home from a work meeting tonight and said, "This year is going to be crazy.  I am going to have to spend a lot more time in the office than I have been."

See above dilemmas.

If you say to me, "you can do impossible things" my friend Joann is going to throw a brick at you.

Actually, what she said was that she was going to throw bricks through store front windows if Emily had tears on her face (see picture in previous post) from being sick.  But I'm thinking if I asked her to throw her bricks somewhere else, she would.

Impossible.

Randomly throughout the day I will stop what I'm doing and have a mostly one-sided conversation with God.

"How am I supposed to choose?"
"I can't choose."
"I CAN'T choose."
"My options aren't negotiable at the moment."
"Hello?"
"Help?"

I'm looking at the budget.
I'm crunching the numbers.
I'm thinking my only saving grace is paying someone to come in once a week and help me out.

Jason tells me that's not necessary.
All I need to do is make him a job chart.

It's probably best I keep quiet on that one.

And all of this?  ...plus a whole bunch of emotional baggage we better not get into...

This is the reason I had to make another New Year's Resolution:

When someone asks, and everyone does, "Is she your first baby?" my reply can no longer be,  "Yes, and she is also our last."

Because maybe someday ... someday ... impossible won't seem so impossible.

But I'm not holding my breath.


And finally, because if you've read this far you deserve to see what I do for entertainment, here is what I do for entertainment:


I hook Emily up to the oxygen monitor to see how she's doing.
What?
You want this kind of entertainment?
Come on over...any time...as long as you're not sick.
If you are sick you are not welcome...no matter how much I love you.

There.
I've said all I can say.
Carry on.

PS.  100!  100 is awesome!  That high maintenance darling of mine?  She's amazing!



18 comments:

Beth Zimmerman said...

Noelle ....

I know she's high maintenance darlin and you aren't done being scared but she looks awesome! If I hadn't been following her story ... I wouldn't know she was sick.

I think hiring some household help would be a GREAT idea. Maybe there's someone in your church who NEEDS the extra income (a young mom, an older woman, a teenager). You could be blessings to each other. And if Jason doesn't completely understand the need ... have your mother, sister, mother-in-law, explain it to him!

Love you!
Beth

Kristyn Grace said...

As someone who worked as a mommy's helper for years in college and graduate school I think it is absolutely a great idea for you to hire someone to come in at least one day a week to help you. You can find great college age students on sittercity.com or care.com for a reasonable rate and those sites already do background checks so you know you are getting someone trustworthy. Regardless of how you go about finding someone, please do. A chore chart for your hubby is nice (and you can find some pretty ones on etsy.com from iheartorganizing) but it won't solve the problem. Even if you have someone just come for a few hours to stay with Emily during nap time so you can go and have a cup of coffee, you won't regret it. I wish I could come help you. If you ever want to move to Durham, NC, let me know lol.

Bossy Betty said...

Oh, sweetie. This time you are going through is without a doubt more stressful than we can even imagine and yet you hold up, do a super job and still pour out love to your family. Just reflect on all you do and know you are building muscles and strength to carry on (even on those days when you just want to crumble.)

Allison and Brent said...

I love you, cousin! That's all that I know to say. I have no experience to draw upon, and can only imagine what you're experiencing. I wish I lived closer. I would come do your laundry. :) LOVE YOU!

Joann Mannix said...

Okay, I was going to say, 100's good, right? RIGHT?

And I will throw a brick, a ton of them, wherever you want them to go. I don't have the greatest aim, but if I throw a lot of them, chances are one will hit the target.

Ugh. That is one tough dilemma. If I were there, I would learn about feeding tubes and monitors. Babies, I'm pretty good at, but I would learn everything else about Emily's world and I'd be there, just hanging out with your sweet, sweet high maintenance girl.

Don't stop listening. God is there and He'll find a way for you to hear Him.

He turns those impossibilities into Possibilities with a capital P.

Elizabeth said...

Such a beautiful girl! I just want to pick her up and give her a squeeze.

So. Here's the deal. You do not need to pay someone to come clean once a week. I will come clean once a week (or even twice) for free. I'll even bring helpers. We're all healthy. I know where you live. Make a list and expect me on Saturday morning, around 10ish.

xo -E

Julie said...

If you lived closer I would be your cleaning lady. I would fix you a meal each day and I would make sure when you came home the laundry would be caught up. I know it's hard, very very hard and truly a cleaning lady isn't a bad idea. My mama had one years ago when she had two little girls and a full time job and a husband that worked away from home. She was great, she did the cleaning, caught up on the laundry for the day and always left a hot meal (that was really gross but we ate it always). I wish we lived closer Noelle, I do.
Your wee Emily is amazing and beautiful and more. Thank God for family business because I am sure they are helpful when possible too.
Take care and an e-mail is following this. Have a blessed day!!

Anonymous said...

I hope you will hire someone to come in once a week, or even twice a month if that's easier on your finances.

Even under the best of circumstances --- healthy and "easy" baby --- it's a huge job being a mother. And despite your husband's being a great guy, you both deserve a break.

Sending good wishes your way ....

~ Leslie

rplatt said...

Thursday is all yours dear.... Let's get that laundry done!!!! Then off to dinner. I'm all yours this week. I mean that :)

Hoontah said...

Oh Noelle, I know that prayer. I send the same one to heaven about a thousand times a day. I've been struggling and last week I stumbled across this CES fireside. I don't know if it helped you but it was just what I needed to hear.

http://feeds.lds.org/cesfiresides scroll to Elder D. Todd Christofferson "Give us this day our daily bread. So worth the listen!

As always, I love and pray for you and your family. And send extra prayers for Emily.

Lalis said...

Noelle, can I come over and help you out?

Bridget said...

Oh Noelle! I don't know how you do it all! Glad Emily is such a fighter and doing well! She is such a sweetheart! We think of you lots and keep you in our prayers! I'm thinking though, that you could use your own miracle about now, and not just Emily. Big hugs and prayers heading your way!

walden said...

I absolutely agree with the bricks. That's just dumb to say to people who feel and are in impossible situations. Bleh.

Also, I feel the pain of having to work and yet needing to be at home. You have to work. You do. That's how you take care of your baby, that's how you nurture and that's how you protect in this situation. Seems backwards, but it's not.

Take the help, hire someone (even if just for the laundry, dishes, etc. but maybe even for Miss). Sorry Jason, I'm on your side, too because I think you're phenomenal to these women. But help means one less thing to tip the balance to nervous breakdown. ;)

Um, that was unsolicited advice/opinion. Hope it's okay...all in LOVE! P.S. (Look at Emily's loooooooong eyelashes. Beauty.)

Beth Zimmerman said...

Did I really not comment here yesterday? I was sure I did! Praying for you, Noelle!

Tiff said...

Friday afternoon? Want some help?

xoxo

Shan said...

Rock, meet hard place. Sheesh!

I'd say you could do a lot worse than hiring someone to help out. Could be someone to clean or prepare meals for the week or a mother's helper to play with Elimy while you collect your wits about you. It would be good for your whole family. I'm pulling for a loving compromise!

Hugs.

-stephanie- said...

Really...she's priceless! Love her eyelashes.

Praying.

Of One Heart said...

And I'll keep working to fight the morons who refuse to insure her too. Noelle, you're a great Mum. I hope Em grows up to be just like you.