I've been writing a post in my head off and on all day long.
It was going to be a deep and heart felt post on guilt: the guilt I feel every single day of my life.
Somewhere mid post (still being written in my head) Jason and I were walking through Costco when we came upon some friends from our neighborhood.
Their very innocent comments about how our next baby will be a piece of cake, left me wanting to do nothing more than collapse in a heap of tears right there in the bread section.
And all at once I was slammed with every other emotion I've felt during the last few months: anger, sadness, fear, hurt, frustration, doubt, pain ... all of it was right there at the surface.
Later in the day I left Emily in the care of her daddy and drove out to talk to my mom.
My conversations with my mom, or any other member of my family are always the same, and they are hard and heavy.
In a way that is very uncharacteristic of my blogging voice, I've left out a large chunk of my life...of my family's life...that doesn't have anything to do with Emily's heart defect...it's not my story alone to share, and I respect that.
My family has a mountain in front of us...the largest mountain we've ever had to climb...and we've been climbing for what seems like forever...and there's not a single one of us who doesn't feel like we're at the end of our rope.
All of this was running on repeat through my mind as I snuggled with Emily before I put her to bed, and then took a long bath.
I thought of all of you, and of the strength and support you've given me, and honestly?
You deserve something more than another weary post.
Believe it or not, life before mountains and heart defects had a lot to offer me, and I still have stories to tell.
So for now I've decided to leave the hard ... all of it ... in the very capable hands of the therapist I am going to start seeing tomorrow.
There I go again...spilling it all on the computer screen in front of me.
I'm not afraid to admit that I need some help in dealing with the emotional baggage the last year has left me with.
This isn't to say that I'm going to stop talking about Emily. She is yours too, and I'm quite convinced she's the reason a lot of you come back day after day.
You Internet, have been my therapy for so long, but for now I am relieving you of those duties.
If you don't mind, I'll keep you as my number one backup plan.
Would you like to hear about the first time I fell in love?