Monday, February 20, 2012

It's Time

I've been writing a post in my head off and on all day long.
It was going to be a deep and heart felt post on guilt: the guilt I feel every single day of my life.
Somewhere mid post (still being written in my head)  Jason and I were walking through Costco when we came upon some friends from our neighborhood.
Their very innocent comments about how our next baby will be a piece of cake, left me wanting to do nothing more than collapse in a heap of tears right there in the bread section.
And all at once I was slammed with every other emotion I've felt during the last few months: anger, sadness, fear, hurt, frustration, doubt, pain ... all of it was right there at the surface.

Later in the day I left Emily in the care of her daddy and drove out to talk to my mom.
My conversations with my mom, or any other member of my family are always the same, and they are hard and heavy.
In a way that is very uncharacteristic of my blogging voice, I've left out a large chunk of my life...of my family's life...that doesn't have anything to do with Emily's heart's not my story alone to share, and I respect that.
My family has a mountain in front of us...the largest mountain we've ever had to climb...and we've been climbing for what seems like forever...and there's not a single one of us who doesn't feel like we're at the end of our rope.

All of this was running on repeat through my mind as I snuggled with Emily before I put her to bed, and then took a long bath.

I thought of all of you, and of the strength and support you've given me, and honestly?
You deserve something more than another weary post.
Believe it or not, life before mountains and heart defects had a lot to offer me, and I still have stories to tell.

So for now I've decided to leave the hard ... all of it ... in the very capable hands of the therapist I am going to start seeing tomorrow.
There I go again...spilling it all on the computer screen in front of me.
I'm not afraid to admit that I need some help in dealing with the emotional baggage the last year has left me with.
This isn't to say that I'm going to stop talking about Emily.  She is yours too, and I'm quite convinced she's the reason a lot of you come back day after day.

You Internet, have been my therapy for so long, but for now I am relieving you of those duties.
If you don't mind, I'll keep you as my number one backup plan.


Would you like to hear about the first time I fell in love?


Shan said...

I am so proud of you. So proud. (And the first post I read... and that kept me coming back... was about how to decorate the wall in your home. I like to think that we go back a ways, haha.)

Big hugs.

Kim said...

Awwwww, while I appreciate the decision, I dont want you to ever feel like this isnt your space to speak your heart and mind. We don't mind hearing about your life, Emily's life and the difficulties that can surround that. We are here for the peaks and vallerys. One day we will be sharing and celbrating the victories with you as well. Just know, your words are not a burden on us, we are here because we love you, good, bad and ugly. xoxoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honesty! I for one, love hearing about Emily and would feel cheated if I didn't. :) You are a stronger than you know!!

angel shrout said...

I think as awesome as the connections made through blogging can be they seldom can compare to face to face with someone else. Especially someone who has the expertise to help us in the right there. Sweetie I kept waiting for it. The emotional toll on your family this has taken I know is tremendous, and overwhelming at times. I know that as Christians we are to give it all to God and if that were only as easy as it sounds. Being human we have the tendency to flip, turn, twist, reinspect, reanalyze, beat ourselves up over shoulda coulda wouldas forever.. you do what you need to and we will be here as the ever present back up and prayer warriors when you need us.

Jaime said...

Our mountains and heart issues are different. But at the core level, we are moms facing obstacles that some days are so unsurmountable. Other days we seem to handle and cope okay.

Take the time in therapy to get it all out. There is no one there judging you or needing a bottle or quite simply expecting you to be supermom. Its your time --- even if its only one hour. Embrace it. Use it. Use it to be the best mom, daughter, wife, friend, blog-buddy, self you can be.

And we are all here to be your cheerleaders. :)

Dazee Dreamer said...

I would love to hear how you fell in love.

David G. Woolley said...

And oh what a story you will be able to tell. Of humility. And healing. And pain. And turmoil. And fear. And worry. And courage. And learning. And support. And love. And divine intervention. And turning to the Lord. Oh what a story it will be. And she'll be able to tell her friends and her children and her husband that she is a living miracle. And that her mommy loved her to life!

Cassie said...

Keep hanging in there! You are such an inspiration to me. You and your little Emily are in our prayers.

Bridget said...

Big Hugs Noelle! The wisest people are those who know when they need help... one of the best Healers I know of is also called "Counselor.. Mighty God.."
I'm pretty sure people would be lying if they said they have either never been to counseling or never needed it.
I can only imagine the struggles you have on top of the ones you share., because obviously fighting for your daughters life isn't enough... sheesh.
Lots of loves and thoughts headed your way!

Of One Heart said...

Noelle, my darling, sweetie, I'm running out of time to sleep before another 14 hr work day, but I'm here reading you because I've been thinking of you so much. Will you please give yourself a HUGE hug for you? You're a rockstar in my eyes. Know that. I love you!!