Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Sometimes It's Just Too Heavy

Well, I managed to keep it together as I made my way from Emily's hospital room to my car.
But as I pulled out of the hospital parking lot?
I lost it.
Completely.
And I cried the entire hour drive home.
(Jason stayed at the hospital.  He knew I needed sleep.)

It didn't get easier...handing my baby over to the anesthesiologist.

Emily is having a hard time recovering; they had to put her on oxygen tonight.
As she was coming out of sedation she opened her eyes and looked at me.
She whimpered and croaked out 'ma ma...ma ma' and then started to cry.

All of the progress I had made emotionally was shot to you know where in about three seconds, and tonight I feel like I'm right back where I started seven months ago, and I wish that for a minute...for a day... life for my little lady could just be easy.

9 comments:

sarah said...

i know this may not help but it did help me when my little man was going through so very much and through so many surgeries, one day I was crying my eyes out and having the exact thoughts you are "why lord, can't he have just one normal day?" He kindly answered in that still small voice of his "because then the rest of these days would be so much worse". Emily is used to her life. it doesn't mean it is easy, doesn't make it any better but she is strong because of it all and the Lord gives her extra measures of strength and patience and love - we just don't get to see that part. He is good to our babies... don't forget that.

CK said...

Noelle - I am so very sorry for you...and Emily. I really hope that she will feel better soon :( You are such a strong, strong woman. You and Emily are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kristyn Grace said...

I'm so sorry to hear she is having a hard time but I know that she will get through this. I will say a prayer for her and you and Jason that God will calm your hearts and protect Emily!

Mom on a Line said...

Sending lots of hugs to you.

Jen said...

Noelle, I'm sorry that your baby girl was having problems last night. I hope that through the night she got better and is feeling better today.

I can't imagine it will ever get easy handing her over, even when you know that it's a surgery she needs.

Poor mama...it breaks my heart even trying to imagine how you must feel. And thinking about Emily crying for her mama...

Praying for a speedy recovery for Emily and peace for you all.

Kim said...

I cant even begin to imagine how difficult it's been for you. I am so sorry you have to be here, it stinks. I am even more sorry that Emily has to be here. I want to hug her and swoop her away from all of the pain and discomfort. I know our Lord will take care of each of you though. You are in good hands.

Angee and Thom said...

Be strong my friend, get some rest.

Traci Bulkley said...

Hugs. I hope you got some sleep and you feel better this morning!

Shan said...

I'm sorry, Noelle. That would be enough to break any mom's heart. I hope her recovery takes a swift and steady turn for the better.