Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Beautiful Heartbreak

I can't watch the birth of a baby...even if it's just on TV...without welling up with tears.
I can't see a pregnant woman without feeling a twinge of envy for the innocence that comes when a baby is healthy.
I can't watch a baby eating without feeling a little bit of sadness.
I can't walk through the doors of the hospital without being slammed with emotions that I don't know how to deal with.

I have a minor panic attack at the thought of ever going through another pregnancy.

My heart hurts every time I hear someone say something that implies that my baby isn't normal.

In a world where I am surrounded by friends and family I have never felt more lonely.

I still cry every day of my life, and I wonder when that will stop.

There are a lot of other things that I struggle with too...things that are too personal to talk about openly...


My little Emily fills my heart...and when I'm holding her close I know that I would do it all again for her.

If my life has a theme song...this is it:


Annie said...

I know all too well the emotions you've described. It slowly gets better. It still breaks my heart and brings me to tears when people want to know why Conner isn't talking or communicating like 'other' 2yr olds and ask developmentally where he is at. We need to have some play dates with our two beautiful babies! I really love your blog and style of writing btw.

Diana said...

I've been out of touch with Blog Land for quite some time with a busy busy life. I spent some time this past weekend catching up on a few of my favorites. I was touched by all you've gone through. I pray for strength for you and your husband as you care for this precious gift He has given you. Beautiful song!

angel shrout said...

Aww hun I think after all you all have been through that is normal..

TortugaRachel said...

I hate to break it to you Noelle, but Emily isn't normal: she's fantastic.

Mom on a Line said...

The loneliness is so hard. I wish I could help you with this. I feel it too. It is getting better with time, but it is still hard. I'm thinking of you and holding you close. If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Sahar said...

Dearest Noelle, my heart aches so much for you. I hope and pray that one day the tears stop.

Emily may not be "normal", but what is "normal" and who defines it? She is just as she should be and you are her mother for that very reason.

One day at a time, friend.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I love the answers others have already given you so I will just remind you that you are loved and prayed over! And Jesus promised to never leave you, sweet girl! The voice that tells you that you are alone ... does NOT belong to Him!


Sam said...

Normal. Eh. Emily is better than normal. She's special. Few blogs.. in fact, NO blog moves me the way yours does. Emily is one special little lady, and normal is just another word for blah. Emily will define her own normal, just like we all do. :)

Praying that things get easier for you. Sometimes I wish boredom on you.. seems like you could use a little bit, hehe.

Also, it's funny you say this about this song, because every time I hear it I think of you and your blog and Emily.


marie said...

People are born with all sorts of challenges. Some are born with character flaws, some are born with frail health, some are born with practically no flaws at all, but every person we encounter in life presents us an opportunity for growth. We learn and gain from every interaction and experience with our fellow travelers in mortality. I'm very grateful for the people in my life who have had a need that I could fill, and I'm grateful for the seemingly perfect people who have helped me to reach a little higher and be a little better. Some have helped me develop patience, some have helped me to love selflessly, and others have helped me learn forgiveness. Every person has value, whether capable or challenged. I think that before we were born we had some say in the challenges we would face, the strengths we would have, and the people we would be with. I don't think it was by chance that it happened, because we know how much the Lord values the agency of man. Emily may not have all the opportunities that you might wish for her to have, but she has what is right for her, and for you. There is so much good that one sick little girl can bring about, the good that she brings out in other people, and the love that she gives to others. Emily is one very special little lady. Normal is kind of boring, anyway. But so far, I haven't really encountered a truly normal person. I hope these words will bring you some comfort, Noelle. You've been through so much. I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will speak peace to your heart, and give you courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and to know that you are always in his loving care. Thanks for sharing that beautiful song, and for sharing Emily with us!

lvs2dance said...

Love this song! Love Hillary, she is in my ward and teachs Relief Society... talk about an awesome thing to be able to be taught be her. I wish you could sit in on one of her lessons, you leave feeling so great about yourself and like you could take on the world.
Em, is beautiful and you are so lucky to have her in your life. :-)