I think she had a bad dream tonight, because she woke up crying a bit ago and couldn't settle back down.
I wonder if she senses that her daddy is gone - he will be gone all week, and Emily is never quite as content when he's gone.
It seems that my life is one never-ending routine: morning spent at home with Emily, afternoon spent at work with Emily, evening spent at home with Emily, and then start over again the next day, with very little variance.
I'm extremely conflicted between feeling peace and feeling loneliness like I've never felt in my life.
I truly don't think that I take my life with Emily for granted.
I know that every day I have her is a gift, and I do everything in my power to make sure that I make the most of every minute.
Emily and I spend a lot of time playing, and singing, and cuddling, and taking naps together.
We laugh together and she knows that when she's hurt her mommy's arms will sooth her.
And I know that no role in my life will be greater than that of being Emily's mommy.
Even with knowing that, I'm still lonely - lonely to the point where I spend nights crying myself to sleep.
And so far I can't quite figure out how to combat that loneliness.
I probably tell him at least once a week that I'm dying of loneliness, and he simply doesn't know what to do or say.
One night when we were talking about it he said that he didn't think he could ever be the one to fix that part of my heart.
And he's probably right, but that doesn't stop me from getting frustrated at him, and I know that's not fair.
I've spent hours and hours analyzing my feelings - trying to get to the core of where they are coming from.
And the only thing I can come up with is that change, no matter the form, is hard for me, and in the last three years my life has changed more than it has in perhaps my entire life.
I went from being a very happy and content single woman to being a wife and a mother of a child with special needs in a matter of what seems like seconds, and although I love both Jason and Emily, and I wouldn't trade where I am for anything in the world, I still feel like I'm reeling.
In three short years I somehow lost a major portion of who I was before, and although most people would probably agree that I'm a better person now than I was then, I still miss that part of me - that part of my life, and I simply don't know what to do to balance that life with the life I have now.
I've wondered if I should write this - if I should admit any of this out loud - I would never want you to think that I'm not grateful for the life I have.
I am beyond grateful.
And I think that's why I feel so conflicted by the loneliness I feel so acutely.
How can someone who has been blessed with as much as I have still have these feelings?
* * * * *
Here, look at these cute pictures of our girl.
I'm going to wipe my eyes and blow my nose and go and do the dishes.
Thanks for letting me have this moment.
If you know me in real life, I'll be back to my slightly sarcastic self tomorrow.
|She falls asleep in the strangest places. Never fear, I moved her out from underneath the futon before she sat up and smacked her head.|