Monday, February 25, 2013

The Best Choice For Me

If you were to ask me if I have any regrets in my life I would name three.

I had a chance to go to Costa Rica; it was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I passed up two seconds before I finalized my plane ticket.
My reason for not going was good, and at the time I felt like I made the better choice so thankfully I don't lose sleep over it.

I do lose sleep over the next regret.
In fact, last week I called my mom and in an exasperated voice I asked her," WHY Mom?  Why am I still so bothered by this?"
I was put in an impossible situation - by someone I thought cared about me.
The realization that he didn't care hit brutally, and in the most unkind way you can imagine.
I could have walked away from the situation.
By simply getting in my car and driving away I would have had the upper hand, but I didn't get in the car.
At the time I felt like I made the right decision by staying, but that choice haunts me - more than I care to admit.

The last regret is that sometime 15 months ago I bought Emily a binky with an elephant attached to it.
Actually, I bought her five binkys with elephants attached.
Emily will be two and still have an elephant dangling from her mouth.
For that matter, she could be three and still have an elephant dangling from time to time.

(I DON'T regret the binky - just the elephant.  She will NOT take a binky unless it has the elephant.)

When I made the decision to have a baby I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't have regrets.
I have always loved kids but I couldn't see myself settling down and becoming a mom.
I had a career and I had a social life that I loved, and I worried that over time I would regret giving those things up.

I have just enough of a social life to keep me grounded and sane - and I still work, but I surprised myself the other day by admitting to my sister that more than anything, I wish that I could just stay home and be a mom and a housewife.

I wanted to be a lawyer and then a judge.
I wanted to travel and spend my life working alongside the people in remote villages in Latin America.
The list of things I wanted to do was long - and even noble.

Just today I told Jason that this week was going to be the week I attempt to make bread - from scratch.
And that is at the top of the list of things I want to accomplish.

I have found my greatest sense of fulfillment in being Emily's mom.

Emily has become my shadow.
She follows me wherever I go, and is always wanting me to hold and snuggle her.
When she's hurt or sad she wants me, and in an unfamiliar environment she clings to me.
I'm in awe of the profound peace I feel in just being Emily's mommy.

The world's path for women is leading far from the role of mommy and housewife.
It's not a path that I would ever criticize.  It's a path I walked and enjoyed for a long time.

But I will never regret that I chose a different path, and I will cherish every day that I have with my sweet girl.


Elizabeth said...

I never dreamed in a million years that I would want to be a SAHM. And there are days that I think if I were, I would go insane. BUT, if I had the chance to stay home with my sweet girl each day, I would jump at it!

Kristyn Monaghan said...

If you didn't make those choices that you now regret, you may never have ended up where you are now - happy and fulfilled being Emily's mom! Think of that whenever you start to regret.

And for what it is worth, I think it is completely fine that Emily will still have a binky at 2, even 3! I've babysat for a number of families who have been through much less than Emily has who still have binkies at 2, 3, even 4! At least she is putting something in her mouth right?! You definitely shouldn't regret that!

The Reynolds said...

My son is 4 1/2 and we just got rid of the pacifier. All kids are different and have different things they need to find comfort. You are her mom and you know what's best for her and don't let others make you feel like you need to do something because they did it a different way. Does that make sense? Be the best mommy you can/want to be and don't let other mommies influence you, unless it's in a positive way.

Beth Zimmerman said...

Josiah was a Pacifier addict for a long time. Almost 3 as I remember. I so regretted that his favorite was this huge ugly orange-brown rubber Playtex Pacifier! I think I would have preferred a dangling elephant!

I don't have any children at home anymore (though the adults keep coming back) and I still wish I could be a stay at home wife and mommy! Happiest time of my life! And the most fulfilling!

Mary said...

I'm happy for you!

Bridget said...

Seriously you guys are superheros, and she's your sidekick. Super Noelle and her trusty sidekick Emily, lover of Elephants! I can't imagine anything you could do to be more proud of yourself. You are amazing.

sean's smitty said...

This is beautiful, Noelle