I have a scar on my leg from when I took a pretty nasty fall at work while I was pregnant with Emily.
I have a scar on my knee from when I tripped while jump roping in the first grade. My teacher scooped me up from the ground and carried me to the nurse's office, where they took care of me.
I have a scar on my finger from when I cut myself with a razor blade.
I have a long scar on my foot from when I had surgery several years ago.
I have a scar from a hernia repair.
I have a scar from having a c-section.
I can look at each of the scars I have and remember exactly what happened, and I'm grateful that the wounds have healed.
I'm beginning to wonder if my most painful scars - the scars that no one can see - will ever stop hurting.
I was in the grocery store last week and ran into a woman I haven't seen since Emily was born.
She's one of our long time customers, and I've been to her home a couple of times to help her with plant problems.
She asked about my baby, and I showed her a picture of my not so baby little girl.
She asked, "Is she better now?"
I told her that she was doing really well right now, but that we would most likely find out in June when she would need her next open heart surgery.
The woman had a shocked look on her face and said, "Oh! She'll need another surgery??"
I couldn't get through telling her that Emily would likely need more than one surgery without crying.
And then it was all I could do to get through the check out line and out to my car without completely losing it.
I cried the entire drive home.
I cried that night.
I cried the next night, and the next.
I cry randomly over the silliest things.
Sometimes it's just a tear or two, and sometimes it's buckets full.
How can a mommy bear the pain of knowing what pain her beautiful little girl has gone through, and will still go through?
I don't think my emotions are cut out for this.
The most common piece of advice I hear from those who are in the market of handing out advice is 'if you have another baby it will heal you. Having another baby will take away the pain of what you've gone through with your first because your next baby will be normal.'
I wonder if it's really that simple.
Having twelve more babies wouldn't take away what our sweet girl has been through.
In spite of the scars, Emily's and mine, we are blessed.
We are in love with each other, and we have a man in our lives who is in love with both of us.
And that's what will get us through whatever is to come.