Starting at 8:00 this morning, until after 9:00 tonight, my cell phone rang 38 times.
36 of those calls were work related.
"Noelle, how much is this plant?"
"Noelle, can you order this?"
"Noelle, when will the order you placed be in?"
"Noelle, do we have this item in stock?"
"Noelle, can you call this customer back and answer some questions she has?"
"Noelle, can you tell me if this invoice has been paid?"
"Noelle, what's the name of the customer who..."
The other two calls?
Jason - who is out of town - was calling to check in, and my sister ... she was returning a missed call.
My life is out of control - and I'm quickly losing my ability to cope.
I went to the dentist the other day for the first time since before Em was born, and after doing his exam the dentist sat next to me and said, "Dear, the muscles in your mouth and neck, and even your teeth, would suggest that you've been under some stress. What can I do to help?"
And then for the next few minutes my dentist turned counselor asked me questions about my life, and when all was said and done he said, "We need to do whatever it takes to keep Mommy from going down, because if Mommy goes down, who will take care of your girl?"
* * *
My little girl is at a stage in her life where she doesn't like to be by herself - even if she's just across the room from me.
It's like something spooked her and she just needs to be reassured that I'm there.
She'll walk over to where I'm working at my desk, and just stand next to me with her hand on my knee.
If I'm sitting on the floor she will quit whatever she's doing to come and sit in my lap.
She sits right next to me when we're on the couch, and today at work she crawled up into my lap and was content to lay there while I worked on the computer.
We've always rocked her for a little bit at night before we put her in bed, but the last few weeks that hasn't worked.
She wants to be snuggled right next to me or Jason until she falls asleep, and it's then that I usually move her into her bed.
She lasts several hours in bed but recently Emily wakes up sometime in the early hours of the morning crying.
Nothing I do will stop her from crying until I bring her to bed with me, and then almost immediately she sleeps.
I said something about this on Sunday and got a look from one of my brother's that would suggest I'm committing a great parenting sin.
I probably am.
But letting her cry it out would result in a major mess of the vomit variety.
And my ability to cope is greatly hindered by lack of sleep.
Tonight she didn't even make it to her bed. She would NOT go to sleep - she fought it with everything she had, and after two hours of trying, I plopped her on Jason's side of the bed, where she is now sleeping soundly.
I can't help but wonder if her need to be close is enhanced by her daddy being gone so much.
* * *
A customer I haven't seen in a long time came into the office the other day.
"Hi! Is this Emily? When are you having another baby?" were the three things he said to me in that order.
I wanted to slug him but instead I just said, "Not today," and told him that we were more worried about when we would be having another open heart surgery.
"Oh, she needs another one?"
And after all of that he had the nerve to argue with me about heart procedures. When I mentioned that Em would be having an echocardiogram he said rather smugly, "Most normal people call those EKGs."
"Most normal people know that an EKG is not the same thing as an echocardiogram," I said back to him before I walked away.
I need a vacation.
* * *
Send good thoughts my way would you?
In just a few short hours I'm taking my sweet girl to the hospital where they will put an IV in her arm, and pump her full of medicine to make her sleep so that they can then spend an hour looking at her heart.
Oh how I'm hoping for good news - I can't take another heart surgery any time soon.
We've got a trip planned to take our girl to Disneyland in September, and I don't want anything messing with that.