Monday, June 24, 2013

The Sound of Silence

My world goes mostly silent when Jason's gone and it seems that silence permeates through everything.
I blog less, I text less, I email less, I post less on Facebook, I talk less to people...
I grow accustomed to the silence, and find a sense of peace in it.
Even at work, Em and I spend our time in my office and except for an occasional visit from Aunt Becca, and a daily visit from Uncle Travis, Em and I are alone in our world.

(Travis is my cousin but he loves Em enough to play along when Em wants to point to numbers...and Em is comfortable with him.  That earns him uncle status.)

My sweet Emily - oh how I love her.

On Sunday Em saw numbers written on the chalkboard - they were the page numbers for the hymns we were going to sing.
I let Em off of my lap and she made her way to the front of the room where she stood and pointed to the numbers.
She looked around at the women sitting closest to her, and looked at the woman who was at the front of the room giving some announcements, and pointed again at the numbers.
When they didn't respond she looked for me.
I was sitting in the very back of the room and it took her a minute to find me, but when she did she smiled and pointed to her numbers.
I nodded my head and smiled back.
That was enough for Em - she ran back to where I was and climbed in my lap with a big smile on her face.

Everyone asks the same question about Emily.
"When will she talk?"
My answer is simply, "I don't know." 
And in my mind I replay the conversations that Emily and I have all day long - without her ever uttering a single word.

This afternoon I couldn't get her to settle down for her nap.
She was distracted by something and kept pointing to two different areas in my office.
I finally let her down and said, "Show me what you want."
She walked over to her Mickey Mouse toy and picked it up and hugged it and gave it a kiss, and then put it down.
And then she walked to my desk and pointed to my water bottle.
"Do you want a drink?
Em smiled and made her little noise for yes and then let me give her four or five small sips of water.
Within five minutes of doing those two things, Emily was sleeping peacefully.

Because of Emily, I've learned that there is beauty in silence.

When my sweet girl was less than a week old we were told of her chromosome deletion.
We met with a geneticist who sat with us in the CICU and told us of what we could expect for Emily's future - if she survived long enough to have a future.

I mourned the life I wanted for Emily.
I cried tears of pain and grief and fear and anger and bitterness.
I still cry those tears - not every day, and not even very often - but they are there and they surface from time to time.

But something I read recently gave me pause - caused me to examine the relationship I have with Em's missing chromosome.

My heart broke the first time they cut into my sweet girl to operate on her tiny tiny heart - and it's a break that will never heal completely in this life.
But it's Emily's broken heart and missing chromosome that make her who she is.

Without Tetralogy of Fallot - without DiGeorge Syndrome - without the scars - without the feeding tube - without the silence - Emily wouldn't be Emily, and I would never want to know a world without this little girl - without this Emily.

Tonight Em rolled over in her almost asleep state and wrapped her little hand around my fingers and squeezed.
She snuggled against my shoulder and with her hand still in mine she fell asleep.

In the pain and sorrow there is ALWAYS peace and there is always joy - and in the silence there are conversations that my heart will never forget.


decnic said...

You & your daughter are beautiful!

Hilary and Eric said...

Love. This. Post.

Vibha said...

:)I am Listening . Ahh Silence and Listening such wonderful things.

Lynne Mathis said...

That was a beautiful post. Your little Em has the best and most important thing in the world ~ LOVE. I know you and Em have touched my heart and I love hearing about her progress :)

sean's smitty said...

Beautifully written. Precious words. Thank you for sharing this.

Jason said...

An amazing post! I am floored by your writing abilities. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I couldn't agree more (as I wipe my tears)...

Lalis said...

Your blog is always so uplifting.
And I can't never get enough of Emily's stories. :)

pauline said...

I love this post. Silence is great, something we all need a little more of.

Thanks for sharing your sweet little angel with us. Im listening with my heart and I feel the love you have for each other.

Love you and your family,