When I started this blog almost 5 years ago, I had already lived a full life.
I had loved, and been hurt, I had traveled and given of myself to different countries and people, and I had gone through experiences that changed my way of thinking and my way of living.
Along the way I wrote about all of it - maybe not the tiny details that were reserved only for the pages of my journal - but if I lived it you read about it.
In exactly two weeks my sweet girl will be two years old.
I have lived more life in the last two years than I have all of the rest of my life combined.
I have hurt more and loved more and suffered more and felt joy more than at any other time in my life.
And along the way you've read only a small part of that journey.
There is so much I want to say - so much I need to say and yet my keyboard remains relatively unused.
I will sit down to write and before the words even make it to the page I'll have talked myself out of it.
"If you write that there is a chance you might make _______ feel bad."
"If you write that you might be misunderstood."
"If you write that you will most definitely sound ungrateful and selfish."
"If you write that ..."
The reasons for not writing seem to outweigh everything else and in the end you get a post that skims the surface of what I really want to say.
There are days I feel like I'm going to explode for holding it all in - and perhaps those are the days you will find me playing Candy Crush until the early hours of the morning.
In the last two years:
I haven't always handled everything well.
I haven't always reacted maturely.
I haven't always recovered easily.
But I have done my best - I've gritted my teeth and sucked it up and done everything I could to just survive.
And once in a while I want to scream really loudly to some of the people closest to me to just forgive me already.
Acknowledge that the last two years have knocked me down - over and over again - tell me to my face that I'm not the same person I was two years ago - that I will never be the same person I was two years ago - and then please, please please please just let it go, and stop treating me like ...
I don't even know. So many of my relationships have changed and I feel like they've changed because people have lost respect for me, or lost their confidence in me, for showing weakness - for being human.
It makes me really sad.
And weary of trying so hard to prove that in spite of it all, I am doing okay.
Just a little bit.
Thanks Internet, thanks for being there.