Monday, July 22, 2013

Thank You In Advance

When I started this blog almost 5 years ago, I had already lived a full life.
I had loved, and been hurt, I had traveled and given of myself to different countries and people,  and I had gone through experiences that changed my way of thinking and my way of living.
Along the way I wrote about all of it - maybe not the tiny details that were reserved only for the pages of my journal - but if I lived it you read about it.

In exactly two weeks my sweet girl will be two years old.
I have lived more life in the last two years than I have all of the rest of my life combined.
I have hurt more and loved more and suffered more and felt joy more than at any other time in my life.
And along the way you've read only a small part of that journey.

There is so much I want to say - so much I need to say and yet my keyboard remains relatively unused.
I will sit down to write and before the words even make it to the page I'll have talked myself out of it.

"If you write that there is a chance you might make _______ feel bad."

"If you write that you might be misunderstood."

"If you write that you will most definitely sound ungrateful and selfish."

"If you write that ..."

The reasons for not writing seem to outweigh everything else and in the end you get a post that skims the surface of what I really want to say.

There are days I feel like I'm going to explode for holding it all in - and perhaps those are the days you will find me playing Candy Crush until the early hours of the morning.

In the last two years:

I haven't always handled everything well.
I haven't always reacted maturely.
I haven't always recovered easily.

But I have done my best - I've gritted my teeth and sucked it up and done everything I could to just survive.

And once in a while I want to scream really loudly to some of the people closest to me to just forgive me already.

Acknowledge that the last two years have knocked me down - over and over again - tell me to my face that I'm not the same person I was two years ago - that I will never be the same person I was two years ago - and then please, please please please just let it go, and stop treating me like ...

I don't even know.  So many of my relationships have changed and I feel like they've changed because people have lost respect for me, or lost their confidence in me,  for showing weakness - for being human.
It makes me really sad.
And weary of trying so hard to prove that in spite of it all, I am doing okay.

I exploded.
Just a little bit.

Thanks Internet, thanks for being there.


Leslie Burnham said...

Yes, you become a different person when you are a mother, and even more so when your child has special needs. You do what you must to be the best you can for your child, and sometimes the niceties we can afford to offer when everything is going smoothly drop to the side in favor of our children. You are an amazing mother and advocate for Emily.

Angelwithatwist said...

I am so sorry that people have made you feel that way. I think when we are often the ones to pick up the pieces for others they expect us to be able to handle our own as well as we handled theirs. Not always that easy.. huge hugs to you hun

Allison said...

You are doing the best you can with the circumstances you've been dealt. And fiercely loving your sweet husband and darling baby girl all the while. Come play Song pop with me, it will make you feel better! Love you, Noelle!

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Keep exploding. Please. I think it's pretty terrific. Matter if fact - I think that YOU are pretty terrific. Human frailties and all.

You go girl! Three cheers for keeping it real.

( p.s. I had a dream the other night that you and I were going around smashing dishes. I woke up really happy so we should try it some time...)

Sandra said...

1. Love you and of course you have changed- you now have a piece of your heart living and breathing and walking around. And you hurt when she hurts and you hurt because she hurts and all that other stuff people say- because it is true.

2. Love you and no one can ever know the growth you have experienced in the last 2 years because we haven't lived it. Even if we were right next to you 24/7 through it all, we still wouldn't experience the same thing.

3. Love you and your family.

4. Love you and I don't care if you have acted/re-acted in ways that you wish you hadn't, it's life and it is ok. Through all this you were there when I needed you doing things that you didn't have to do and you acted in the most Christlike way of anyone I know. And that outweighs everything else

5. Love you and it is ok to explode every once in awhile. Feelings buried alive never die, they just manifest themselves somewhere else.

6. Love you and you have the most beautiful daughter in the world and I can't believe it is almost her birthday already!

walden said...

Showing weakness and being human happen to be two of my favorite characteristics...I actually think they mean strength and that I can relate. I'll recommend this book...loved it for just this stuff (get it on audio, then you don't have to feel guilty about not reading another book :))It's called Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and it's all about how being vulnerable actually makes us courageous, creative, effective and, good on you! I love you, honey...I'm still here, just been absent (and probably selfish!) lately. Love to you and your fam!


walden said...

AND, another thought (from the book, actually) that you may not want to post...but you're more than welcome Don't try to win over the're not the jackass whisperer! Ha. Love that one. :)

Shan said...

I still remember the first post I read of yours. The one where you wanted help figuring out how to decorate a really big wall. I think I agreed with Jason... but my memory's faulty.

I know I'm not around as much, on my own blog or on any other. The ends of my sentences are different than yours, but they talk me out all the same.

But I just want to say of *course* you are different. How could you be the same person? *I* have felt utter terror at the thought of losing Elimy... this beautiful little person who hadn't even been born yet. Who is almost exactly a year younger than my Fynnie. Who I know I'll never meet, but I have loved right along with you. *I*, a total stranger and observer, feel changed by everything you shared about her earliest days before and after being born. How could it be less so for you?

And not handling things the best? I'm sure it's true. I get it. Different circumstances, but I get it. So you get up and try something different when you can. Maybe not always the next time, but you do it. When you are able. That is not giving up. That is still fighting for and against all the things you have to battle. You are a warrior mama.

All that to say I'm sending a lot of love. You've been through a lot. You're not at the end. You are strong, though, in part because of everything you've already gotten through. You can get through this, too.


Jill said...

In the last two years, you have been nothing short of AMAZING. I don't know the "before Noelle". I only know the now Noelle and I love her fiercely and admire who she is. Your baby girl is a gift and I'm so grateful that because of her, you are both in my life now. This heart journey business is not for the faint of heart and it changes us in ways we can't imagine and I really think it ways we don't even notice. Some people in our lives notice those changes when we don't and just can't understand why the changes happen. Frankly, I'm pretty sure most of the time we couldn't explain why either!! But they happen, and so we deal with it and try to adjust and adapt and go with the flow of what our new life dictates. Some days the flow is nice and easy and some days it is like a raging rapid. And our response is the same too. The funny thing is that we've adjusted to our new "normal" but maybe not everyone around us had yet? We've had two years of 24/7 to adapt and the people around us only get bits and pieces here and there so they haven't had the crash course we've had. It makes it still seem intense in their eyes when to us it's just normal. Maybe that's why in so many ways they can't imagine you really being "okay" with everything? It breaks my heart to think that you feel like anyone needs to forgive you for any of your failings these last 2 years. For real? Would you ever expect that from someone going through something as life altering as you have? Heavens no. That means you have my permission to stop seeking forgiveness of others who just aren't getting it. You'll knock your head against the wall my friend. You have a pretty head. Lets not ruin it. :) I love you Noelle. Keep your chin up and give yourself permission to tell it like it is. This is your happy place. Throw your words out there like virtual plate smashing. Feelings of others be damned!!! Ready? Go!!!

Marci said...

I know the 'before' Noelle...I've seen just a little of the 'after' Noelle. You are both pretty spectacular women who I admire greatly. Life beats us down's hard. You've always been a pillar of strength and so level headed and gosh dang've been handed a huge pile of compost to put it politely. It's going to change you. Chances are that after you have waded through all of this compost you will be an amazingly strong beautiful tree of some sort. That little girl is lucky to have you, Jason is lucky to have you and your family has ALWAYS been lucky to have you. You are AMAZING!! Then and now!! Also...this is your blog and if they don't like what you're writing they don't have to read it!!