Moms everywhere are getting their little ones ready for school, and I'm working on getting Emily ready for the next phase of her life.
I fired the speech therapist (thank you for all of your comments and support over that decision) and am now trying to come up with the best plan for Em.
We've been to the pediatrician where Em got some of the shots that she wasn't able to get when she was younger due to her crummy immune system.
We were given a referral to a pediatric orthopedic therapist. Em's ankles turn in and aren't as strong as they should be and now that she's older and getting bigger we need to make sure she doesn't need braces on her feet to help her walk.
I've been trying to wean Em off of one of her medications but I don't think Em's tummy likes me for it - her poor tummy has been through it!
Someone asked me last night, "So now that Emily's heart is fixed life just goes on as normal?"
I said quietly that Em's heart would never be fixed...not completely...and that for the rest of her life we would be working on keeping it strong enough to keep Em here with us.
I think it surprised her.
My little girl runs and plays and laughs and when people see her they forget that every day of our life is in 'what comes next mode' with our little lady.
In the evenings after work I've been trying to make the transition from baby to little girl everywhere in our house. I'm putting away some toys and getting out new ones...I'm cleaning out the closet and boxing up all of the little clothes that I love and can't part with...and I'm working on Emily proofing my life.
In my own life I'm in the 'what comes next' mode as well.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea of being a working mom, when in my heart what I want is to stay home with my little girl.
I'm trying to figure out how to be a better friend and a better neighbor...a better wife and mommy.
I'm working on finding the tools I need to help improve some of the very personal aspects of my life, and I'm trying to figure out how to not let the stress that is so prevalent in my life take over.
I got my hair done today by a friend of mine.
She asked about Em and about my life in general.
There is such a BIG part of my life that I don't talk about with very many people and for some reason I opened up to her a little bit today.
At one point she just looked at me and shook her head. "How are you doing it? How do you even find the desire to get out of bed in the morning? How do you keep smiling?"
I admitted that I spend a lot of time in the quiet of my life crying and saying, "I can't keep doing this...no really, I can't keep going" and then dry my eyes and keep going anyway.
Because really what choice do any of us have?
I do my very best to look for the blessings - to find the happiness and joy - to put away the stress when I can - a good friend reminded me the other day that Emily is the source of my greatest happiness and peace and every day of my life I'm grateful for her. I'm her mom but my little girl has taught me more in her little life than I will ever be able to teach her.
My mom was in my office yesterday and when she was about to leave she pointed her finger at me and said "just remember..."
I interrupted her and said, "I know, I know, go forth with faith."
She said, "yep" and then she kissed me on the head and walked out of the office.
And just so my mom knows, I promise that as long as I'm in this 'what comes next' mode, I will do my very best to go forth with faith.