Monday, March 10, 2014

Taking A Deep Breath and Moving Forward

"Mommy why does Em have a broken heart?"
That's what my niece Sami asked her mom.

"Because that's what Heavenly Father decided Em needed to come to this earth with," is how my sister responded.

"But I don't have a broken heart," Sami said.

"No, you have a tone.  Em has a heart that needs help and you have a tone that needs help."

"Ya ya ya," is what Sami ended the conversation with.

* * * * *

It seems that this past weekend was filled with big neon signs pointing directly to Em's little heart and all that comes with it, and it left me wanting to curl up with the blanket my grandma made me when I was a little girl and have a good cry.

On Sunday I took Em into the Mother's Room at church to feed her.  We walked in and found three sweet babies being nursed.
I sat Em on the diaper changing table and hooked her feeding tube up and fed her and then left the room as fast as I could.
I went back to where Jason was and whispered to him, "that was a teeny bit hard on me today."

I watched through a window as Em played with about 12 other kids her age - and as I listened to all of them talking my heart felt a little twinge of sadness.

Combined with a few other things that are just hard sometimes, I went to bed last night with wet cheeks.

* * * * *

I'm sure it's a normal parent emotion - this that I'm feeling right now...
Parenting is not for the faint of heart is it?

Today I read through the official report from the team of doctors we saw a few weeks ago regarding Em's feeding/speech/etc.

One of the doctors said, "Emily has a severe oral aversion that is not common."

I knew that, but to see it and the rest of her medical history printed in black and white ... it's good she came to earth fighting.

It's knowing how hard she has to fight that makes me a sucker for Em's eyes and her silent but incredibly loud way of asking for things.

Like these cardboard stand-ups:


Bossy Betty said...

Oh Sweetie. You are feeling what any mother in your situation would feel. Your love for Emily comes through in every word.

Melody said...

We don't know each other but I have been following your blog for a while. My sister has a daughter who is an angel from heaven like your Emily with needs similar and not similar to Emily's. Thank you for posting because sometimes I don't realize that things I do and say might hurt my sister or make her sad. Thanks for being honest so I can be a more supportive and loving sister and aunt. You are a great Mom! Keep it up.