Long before Em was born I had a dream.
Three dreams actually, spread out over the space of a couple of years.
The dreams were the same:
I found myself in a hospital setting with a nurse holding a crying baby.
"Where is the mother?" the nurse asked.
And no one stepped forward.
Again the nurse asked, "Who is the mother?"
Finally, after what seemed like hours of silence, I stepped forward.
"I'll be her mother; I'll take care of her."
And in every dream, the nurse handed me the baby girl and I became her mother.
In the years that followed, and then in the years that followed those, I felt and believed that I would be a mother to a little girl.
When Emily was born I knew the message of that dream had been fulfilled.
In the nearly four years that Emily's been with us I have been asked at least a million times, "when are you going to have another one?"
(This is not an announcement.)
My answers have varied, but they ultimately have all had the same meaning, "I don't know."
I've been given a lot of advice on the matter:
'Having another child will heal you from the trauma of what you went through with Emily.'
'After what you went through with Emily, another child will be a piece of cake.'
'You might want to have another child on the chance that Emily dies, that way you'll have something/someone else to focus on.'
I think I've heard every possible reason there is for having another child.
Jason and I have spent hours and hours discussing the idea of another child.
I've prayed countless prayers - and I've spent more time thinking about this than any other one thing.
I've always known that I couldn't make a decision based out of fear, and so I've held off even making a decision until I knew that fear wasn't a factor.
Jason and I finally determined that we should consider having another baby, and we went forward trusting that we would know what was best for our family.
After months of not getting pregnant, and months of thinking about it every single day, I finally approached Jason.
"From the bottom of my heart, I just don't think we're meant to have another baby, not right now, and not like this."
He told me that he felt the same way.
And for the first time in nearly four years, I feel peace with our decision.
Are you wondering why I'm even telling you this?
In so many settings, in so many instances, the question of if we will have another child is the elephant in the room, and I'd like to see that elephant find another room.
Having only one child isn't the norm in our social circle, and I just want everyone within our circle to know that it's okay. We're okay. And I truly believe that God is okay with our decision.
With all of that said, let me say this:
God and I had a long talk. He knows my heart. He knows our life. He knows our plan better than we know our plan. He knows my strengths ... and my limitations.
And He knows that I would say yes in a heart beat if He asked me to be someone else's mommy. Maybe that's adoption, maybe that's fostering, maybe that's someone coming to me asking me to be the mommy that they can't be...
And maybe it's simply being Emily's mommy.
For ever and always I'm Emily's mommy ...
And that's more than enough for me.