Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Woe Is Me

I've noticed that I've become paranoid.
And I wish that people would stop saying things that make me freak out.
Let me give you some examples.

My friend texted me yesterday to see how I was feeling, and to find out when my doctor's appointment is.
I told her that for the most part I was just hungry and nauseated at the same time.
And I told her that I go in on the 18th for a sonogram and again on the 31st to meet with the doctor.
I'm going in for the sonogram for my own peace of mind.
I've been spotting off and on throughout my pregnancy and although it's probably perfectly normal, I'd like a professional to tell me that it's perfectly normal.
My friend texted me back and said, 'I spotted during both of my pregnancies.  I'm sure it's fine.'
An innocent conversation no?
Because as soon as I hung up I had these thoughts going through my mind:
'Kim spotted during both of her pregnancies.  Both of her little boys are autistic.  Does spotting indicate a higher risk for autism?  Is my baby going to be autistic?  Can I take care of an autistic child?  I'm not sure that I could be as good a mom as Kim is.'
And so it went for many many many minutes...until I told my brain to stop.  And then I had to force it to think about other things.  And sing lots of songs.

Here's another example:

A few weeks ago I got an email from a girl I know.  It was an email written out of love and concern.  She felt like she should tell me that all of the symptoms I've been dealing with for the last year (vertigo, etc.) are also symptoms of multiple sclerosis and that I should probably get tested, either with an MRI or a spinal tap.

Her mom told my mom the same thing several months ago: 'Noelle's symptoms sound exactly like MS.'
(Minus any muscle weakness, which according to Google, is also a very prevalent symptom.)
Here's the thing:  I've had an MRI.  It came back clean.  Perfectly clean.
And doctors have reassured me on more than one occasion that my vertigo is the result of a problem with my inner ear.

And yet...
I lay in bed at night and feel a muscle twitch and think, 'It's MS.'
My back hurts during the day and I think 'I guess we should look into buying a wheelchair.' 
I start coughing and I think 'it's probably progressing really fast...I'll call and schedule a spinal tap this week.'

I wasn't like this before I got pregnant.

The other day I was reading the Pregnancy Bible...otherwise known as 'What To Expect When You're Expecting'.
I read something that went like this: 'If your husband is turned off by your growing belly, here are some ways you can cope with feelings of rejection...'

Just try to imagine what my mind did then...

'Jason thinks I'm fat.'
'Jason is going to stop loving me.'
'Jason isn't even going to want to sleep in the same bed with me.'
'Jason isn't attracted to me any more.'

Last night my sister and I walked around the track at our local rec center while Jason played basketball below.
Becca looked at me and said, "You're really showing."
And as she said that, Jason looked up and waved.
After we got home last night Jason said, "I looked up at you as you were walking around the track and well, you're definitely pregnant.'
And then he told me that while he normally isn't attracted to pregnant women, he is still attracted to me.
Poor Jason.
He had to spend the next seven hours trying to convince me that he would still love me in 6 months from now.

It's only going to get worse isn't it?
What should I do?
Solitary confinement?


Amy said...

Solitary Confinement might be the answer.....OR you could come and live in my ward where EVERYONE is pregnant, and you'd feel abnormal if you WEREN'T showing. :) OOOORRRRR you could have some raspberry white chocolate cheesecake and you'd probably feel better.

It will be OK. It will.

Kristie said...

I like you! I love reading your blog because I miss chatting with you! Keep posting sista! :)

TJ said...

being paranoid doesn't stop after you're pregnant. i didn't think like that either until after i had kids. my mind goes down some crazy paths, especially when matt was deployed.

and, spotting could mean a gajillion things. like maybe your cervix is irritated.

there are many other things that come with being pregnant. other things grow, and most men REALLY like that. sooooooo......yeah. my husband really likes when i'm pregnant for that reason. that is until the milk comes're normal. get a book to write down your paranoid thoughts to get them out of your system if that will help. or call someone to talk you back from the crazy place. that helps too.

-stephanie- said...

Pregnancy paranoia. Yup, you're normal.

After baby(ies)... parent paranoia. Still normal.
Enjoy. :o)

Heather said...

Paranoia happens. I wish I could give you a solution.
Some of the tings wyou think about will get better and some never will.

I guess you could go with the cheesecake suggestion. That sounds good to me!

Anonymous said...

Hey!! You make me wish I were there taking walks with you. :( No fair. No fair. :( Do you know how happy I am for you? I guess it's time I got over the initial excitement and stopped bugging you with how teary-eyed out of excess happiness I get, to be reading your preg posts. Thumbs up to you for holding on AND for getting rounder. I like round!

Dazee Dreamer said...

I think especially with your first pregnancy you worry about stuff a lot more.

And the spotting could just be your uterus cleaning itself up for the ever growing baby.

Jason will love you with your growing belly. Especially the first time he see's the sonogram and see's a real baby in there. He is not a jerk.

Cox Family said...

What can I say, except like everyone else says, it's normal. Just enjoy the process. Don't worry about how big you're getting just enjoy the reason you're getting big. It's all worth it. I know Jason and he isn't shallow, I've never seen him more happy than he is now, with you and that will continue even when you're big, uncomfortable and ornery (at least that's how I feel when I'm pregnant).

lindsay said...

another mommy here tell you it's perfectly normal:) You've got a lot going on there - hormones, big life changes, probably not eating or sleeping well either's a lot for your body to process and it's perfectly natural to overreact/exaggerate some things.

There were nights after Noah arrived where I could not shut my brain down at night unless he was less than 3 feet from me...all kinds of absurd things ran rampant in there:) It does get better but welcome to mommy hood - it doesn't go away!

If you're really worried about it have a quick chat with your OB (or just go for the Cheesecake...i like that idea!)

Vibha said...

Wait a minute, you are pregnant, since when? Oh my god that is great. Thats beautiful Noelle. I know u wrote some hundred posts since my last visit , but its not forgivable that I missed this part. Congratulations Noelle.

Baby Sister said...

I say go with the cheesecake idea. And since sisters feel sympathy pains, I'll eat it with you. Cause I'm nice like that.

Joann Mannix said...

3 daughters. 3 perfectly normal daughters except for the fact that they are as messy as dung beetles, I spotted every time. Just pray you don't get a child as messy as mine, because then you will be in major trouble.

I, too, had someone point out the MS thing during my health scare and of course I was convinced I had MS until my neurologist informed me that lesions would have shown up on my MRI. So, there's another fear taken away.

And the spy man will love you more than he ever has before the first time he sees his baby on the sonogram, the first time he feels a kick and especially the first time he sets eyes upon that little one.

Now, do yourself a favor. Close the Bible. I, too, read and reread that thing and sometimes there is such a thing as too much information and go indulge in something sweet and chocolatey. And let your worries fly far, far away.

wjmom said...

Dear friend,
What you feel is real. But please, please, please stop for just a second. The facts are that 1) you are married; 2) you are married to a good man; 3) you are married to a good man who loves YOU (NOT just your body); 4) your body is involved in a MIRACLE; 5) that MIRACLE is going to grow. It's supposed to! You would be sad if s/he didn't. Therefore, you will grow, too. Embrace the miracle! 6) you are NOT fat. There is a little Jason/Noelle person inside there. Embrace that little person

I know this all goes without saying, but I can't tell you how many women miss the beauty and the miracle and the wonder of being a partner with God in helping to create a body for this marvelous spirit. Sure, you'll feel large. Sure, you'll be hormonal. Sure, there are a lot of things about pregnancy that are uncomfortable.

But in a few very short months it will be over. And in a few very short years you will miss this miraculous time of your life. Please, please, please step away from those (normal) hormonal feelings and spend some time every day celebrating the loveliness and LIFE of the pregnancy experience. You will be glad you did. Forever.

Your friend,

Cap'n Salty said...


Just tell yourself it's the hormones making you think things like that. Don't let yourself get all worked up, enjoy your pregnancy. I LOVED being preggers, just let your mind wander to how perfect that little baby will be. Remember that God has chosen YOU to be it's mother and will give you all the tools you need to do that job.

Elizabeth said...

Pregnant is beautiful on every woman. And I mean EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Anyone who thinks different is just plain wrong. And get it into your head that you are NOT FAT. Being pregnant is not the same as being, well, that other word. Personally, I love to look at the form of a pregnant woman. It is something so amazing. You are growing a whole person inside of you. It is such a miracle.

Here's something else to consider. Never in your life will you have such rock hard abs as you do when you are pregnant. I guarantee it.

xo -El

Shan said...

Oh, sweetie... it's going to be okay. If it's any consolation, I went through the same thing. It gets better.

Hugs :+)

Anonymous said...

Yeah I remember the paranoia. Just take a deep breath everything will be totally fine.

Tami B said...

Hey cuz, I am glad you don't have MS but from the perspective of someone who lives with two people with the disease you may be interested to know that MS symptoms go away when you are pregnant - not personal experience just a lot of research lol. Anyway keep smiling - you are beautiful whether you are pregnant or not and Jason will find you at 8 or 9 months more beautiful than he ever has. Love you!!
PS - If someday you ever find out you have MS it isn't a death sentence - call us. The Lord works miracles.

jayayceeblog said...

Paranoia just goes with pregnancy and childbirth. Wait until you have the baby. Every crumb on the floor becomes a potential thing to harm the baby! =D Everyone goes through it. It's normal because your hormones are all out of whack. Nothing makes me feel more awe inspired than a beautifully blooming pregnant woman. Enjoy it and strut your stuff!