Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My Own Personal Battle

This is my family.
All of us.
Just thought I'd introduce you.

In spite of yesterday's great news I found myself feeling discouraged and down all day long.
I have no doubt that part of those emotions were a result of exhaustion.
In fact, when Jason and I got home from our second doctor visit of the day we both crashed.
We slept solid for at least an hour.

Last night I snuggled close to Jason and asked the questions that had been burning in my heart.
"Why is it that I can't accept today for what it was?"
"The news we got today is a miracle, and I have no doubt of God's intervention."
"Why can't I leave it at that?"
"Why do I feel like in order for this experience to truly be a trial of my faith, it has to get worse before it gets better?"
"Why do I keep waiting for the next bad thing to happen?"
"Why do I feel like I shouldn't expect miracles, or that I don't deserve them, because so many people around me aren't getting the miracles that they're praying for?"

When I had finally exhausted all of my questions, Jason looked at me and asked a question of his own.
"Do you want me to answer you or is this a time when you're just talking and I'm just listening?"
We've only been married a year and a few months...he's a quick learner.

I told him that I wanted an answer.

He gave me a lot of things to think about.
He referenced the general hesitation anyone feels about asking someone else for help.
And he pointed out that perhaps we're denying someone else the blessings that their helping us would bring into their lives.
"Maybe in a way, you're doing the same thing to God."
"You're hesitant to ask for and to accept His help because you think you have to do it all on your own."

After several suggestions and ideas Jason said, "I can sum it all up in one word."

And with that it all clicked.
That's my problem...that's exactly why I'm so afraid to believe in a miracle being simply that...a miracle.
It's the uncertainty of everything.

With every ounce of good news we've heard it's been overshadowed with bad.
Even yesterday.
There's blood flow, which is amazing.
And had the doctor left it at that I would have been grateful.
But just after the doctor told us the results of the echo-cardiogram, he told us that they will have to test for yet another syndrome after she's we've never heard of before.
"There's a 20% chance she's got Di'George Syndrome."

And you know what, it doesn't even matter to me if she does.
Just like it doesn't matter if she has Down's Syndrome.
Just like it wouldn't matter if she were born with just one arm.
We'll deal with what we're given.

But for just one appointment...I would really love to leave the uncertainty unspoken.
Uncertainty makes me tired.
Uncertainty is what makes me cry.
And uncertainty makes me think that even though I have faith, I somehow need more.

And now I'm going to take a deep breath and shake it off.
Thanks for 'listening.'


wjmom said...

Dear friend,
You are normal. You are also wonderful. I love you. And if I love you (who has never even met you in person), imagine how much God loves you. So dig in today, and sleep well tonight. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow bring added strength and vision and hope and happiness. That's all He asks of us.
Praying for and thinking of you!

Beth Zimmerman said...

I'll just agree with wjmom because she said it well! You're doing great Noelle! And you don't have to hold on ... He's got you in His hand!

Heather said...

Uncertainty is rough.
But your husband is certainly wise - a blessing for someone who could help you. I would have never thought of that, but it is very true.

I am certain ya'll will be great. And I am certain you need a SONIC!!

Amanda said...

What a beautiful family!

Uncertainty is definitely the name of the game.

The good news about really bad news is that once you accept the very worst, then pretty much anything other than that will seem like a miracle.

Cheeseboy said...

You have a very wise husband and sounds like he is a great listener too. What a smart thing to say to you (do you want me to listen or...) I need to use that with my wife.

I hope all goes well from here on out.

One other non-related thing: Not one man in your family has a goat-tee, beard or mustache? What is up with that?!

Of One Heart said...

No more uncertainty. I seem to have used that word a lot myself in the last few months. Mum says there is no such thing. So, I just hang my head. Mum is wise. Let's listen to her. There's just God and faith. Goodness is coming to you, I promise.

Noelle, this baby will grow up to be nicer than the two of you individually are. Mark my word.

-stephanie- said...

This uncertainty makes me pray more, and I think that's just how God wants it.
I woke up last night and thanked God for the miracle He gave Emily. He also is blessing her with a wonderful family. All 24 of you.

Dazee Dreamer said...

You inspire me with your faith. And Jason is a great man to have by your side.

Cap'n Salty said...

I would worry about you if you didn't wonder these things. They are perfectly normal, expected emotions for pregnant mothers under ideal situations, let alone under the stressful ones. Know, however, that God is listening and He is still in the miracle business. I will continue to pray for you!

Rachel said...

Amazing advice from your husband.

We've been down this road with my sister... and the wait for answers (real answers, when you can hold her and see her and touch her) - seems unbearable.

Asking God to give your heart peace. And wisdom. And thanking Him for the blessing of your family, for your tiny little little one waiting to make her appearance.

Elizabeth said...

I often wonder why God gives us such hard stuff to deal with. I mean, I know, we're here to be tempted and tried, but at what point is enough enough? I've started to think that there has to be something wrong with me because I'm just not 'getting' how to turn my lemons into lemonade or bloom where I'm planted or become better instead of bitter. The only explanation that I can come up with is that sometimes life is hard and there's nothing you can do about it. I guess that's why God invented Ben & Jerry's.

I've heard that fear is the opposite of faith. I have faith. I know that you have faith. So why isn't my faith (or yours) enough to make our situations better? Or at least make us equal to the tasks?

I'm sorry there's no consolation in my words for you. What I really meant to tell you is that I know it is hard and I'm sorry that it is so hard. As a mother, my heart aches for your as your heart aches for your little one. My prayer for you is that you will be able to deal with all the uncertainty.

Love you, sweet friend.

xo -E

le Chef said...

Me again. It seems you have a lot of support here - Yeah!

It is hard when your child has something you can't just fix with a hug or kiss. My children were born healthy, as far as I knew. It wasn't until they got older that their conditions became apparent.
One thing I came to accept was that life is going to happen. We have strength we never knew we had, and these kids were delivered to us because we were just the right person to help them in this life. We might feel confused, tired, helpless, and sometimes singled out, but that's OK. It's normal. I'm fairly sure you're going to meet other women in this situation, and you will be a strength for one another.
God knows what he's doing, even if we question it.
Hang in there.

Fullmer Family said...

I have to tell you that seeing the picture of your whole family just made my day. I have missed seeing all your smiling faces. It seems like a lifetime ago that I used to see you guys quite often!! Please tell them all hello for me, and give Heather an extra tight hug from Alaska.
And prayers and love still going to you and your little one.