Sunday, June 24, 2012

One Day At A Time

Jason came home for the night.
He leaves again tomorrow, but he's here now, and Emily and I will take whatever time we get.
I told Jason the only thing I wanted was a nap.
I curled up in bed, knowing my little lady was in good hands, and slept.
For an entire 20 minutes.
My body wouldn't allow more than that.
I've heard yoga is good for relaxation.
Maybe I'll start doing yoga.

It's just as well I didn't sleep longer.
The little lady welcomed Daddy home with a major blowout and it took both of us to hold her still long enough to clean things up.
That girl of ours?
She's turned into a crazy person.
We lowered the mattress in her crib after she proved how she could pull herself up and almost over the side of the crib...I wish you could have seen the look on her face as she kneeled against the side of the crib smiling at me.  I've never seen a nearly one year old more proud of herself.

I might be turning into a crazy person myself.
I made dinner.
Don't die of shock.
Jason said the chicken fajitas I made were the best meal we've ever had in this house.

That's not saying much considering that we've had maybe a total of 7 meals.  

It's been a while since I've been able to go to church, and this morning as I was cleaning up Em's daily episode, I realized that I needed to find something uplifting to listen to.
I turned Mickey Mouse off and miraculously managed to find Pandora through the TV.
Em played quietly on the floor as we listened to the soft sounds of church music fill our home.

The song Be Still by Hilary Weeks came on and as I listened to the words I couldn't help but cry.

Another day 
I'll try again 
But can you tell me 
Will the hurting ever end? 

I've been taught 
And I believe 
But it's been awhile 
Since I've been on my knees 

But I need you by my side 
I don't have the strength 
To make it on my own 
And Lord, do you hear my prayer 
How soon will you answer me? 

I know you're weary 
I know you've had all you can bear 
And now you ask of me on bended knee 
I promise I'll be there 

I've watched you struggle 
Yet I can see how much you've grown 
Child, could you feel my power in your darkest hour? 
You were not alone 

Be still and know that I am God 
I'm by your side 
Whom shall you fear 
I'll give you strength my child 
I am here 
Be still and know that I am God 
And there's no prayer 
That I don't hear 
Lift up your head 
My child 
I am here

As I thought about the song, the words, and the effect those words had on my heart, I realized something.
I've mostly shut my heart off to feeling things deeply...spiritual things, tender things, happy things, sad things...
And today, in letting the words of that song reach my heart, I couldn't stop crying.
I think I'm afraid if I really feel anything I will start crying and never stop.

I'm not a person who dwells in sadness and misery.
I truly believe life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, but in the last year and a half plus there has been so much...
So much hard...on so many different levels...
And I think my heart has been saying it's had enough, and I'm just now realizing it.

Other people who have gone through their own 'hard' and come out stronger on the other side?
They give me hope that there is going to be another where my heart feels whole again.


Sandra said...

I love you Noelle.

Bridget said...

HUGS!!! <3

walden said...

It'll feel whole-er, I think. I love you, you're being so valiant. Thanks for sharing...

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful song!!
I hope you find some peace with regard to the future... I do not know you well, but I really believe that the future is bright for you!! You weren't given this challenge for nothing... I know that you've already touched my life through your writing, your honestly, and your strength.


Also, I nominated you for the Beautiful Blogger award!

cathyjoy said...

I've know hard.

Hard was my teenage son threatening to kill his father and me and then himself.

Hard was watching the ambulance take my baby to a psychiatric hospital two hours away.

Hard was watching him cry every day when we visited.

Hard was not being able to get off the couch. Or stop crying. I know how afraid you are to cry. Once you start sometimes it just doesn't really ever stop.

Hard was believing in my heart, not just my head, that God was in control and things were going to be okay. One way or another.

I'm stronger now. I realized it the one Sunday in church when I was crying and praying and thanking God for allowing me to be present as my son turns into the man He has planned for him to be.

I'm stronger now. I realize it every time my son walks in the door and hugs me and tells me he loves me...and I believe him!

There is another side. You and Jason will come out on that side so much stronger than you ever thought you could be.

God is faithful.
God is true.
God is goodness.
God is light.

God is wholeness.

Much love to you and your beautiful family.

Baby Sister said...

I love you!! And I love that song. It gives me comfort more often than any other.

Anaise said...

I'm a stranger to you, but I know Eliza and Chuck and one day I randomly began reading your blog. Your question about feeling whole on the other side spoke to me. My tests have been quite different from yours, but they have left me feeling un-whole, and I have sometimes bottled everything up to survive. I'm quite sure you know that you'll feel whole again someday, but perhaps you just need to hear that all will be well in the end.

All will be well in the end.

I think Heavenly Father wants us to lose our wholeness to make room for Him. There are gaps in my heart that will not be mended until I get to heaven, but I've filled those gaps with Him, and I feel better.

Sue said...

Wow, tears fill my eyes! I know exactly where you are in this post... been there so many times! Thanks for sharing that song, going to print it and read it every day!